Couples have argued about sex and money since forever, the #1 and #2 things couples say they fight about. But there are more things that many couples battle over these days: use of social media, partying habits, and well, just how to spend each other’s spare time.
But here’s the thing: all happy couples argue about something, so the secret is not what you argue about, but how you argue about it. How happy you are as a couple depends on how you resolve the conflicts, get over them, and move on back to funsville with the hubs.
While sex and money are the most “important” things couples get mad at each other for, less important things such as sexual jealousy, hating each other’s friends, dealing with each other’s family, and discussing children all factor into things couples say cause the most conflict. One of the most common thing couples argue about is household chores, seemingly unimportant, yet leads to silly fights.
The Silliest Argument
Studies have shown that men get more sex when they wash the dishes or help their wives out with the household chores. One study found that couples felt more “sexually satisfied” when the man helped out with the housework. Anthropologically speaking, early cavewoman females got turned on when they saw their alpha male caveman doing the housework. Science has proven that heterosexual women get turned on watching cute males clean the house.
Arguments Can Be A Good Thing
Dr. Phillip Lee, MD, and his wife, Dr. Diane Rudolph MD, both psychiatrists, have counseled and observed married couples for a combined 55-years of “experience working with marital strife.” This amazing couple, co-heads of Marital Therapy at Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York City, have written an amazing book, Argument Addiction, with their goal being a non-arguing marriage. “The problem with many couples,” they says is “that they get stuck in a pattern of communication which can send them on a seemingly endless loop over the same arguments, which if not handled can lead to resentment.” Arguments can be constructive, they say, if lovingly resolved. “They can even make the relationship stronger, healthier, and even argument-free.”
The Infatuation Phase
Lee and Rudolph introduce their couple “Jen and Dave” and say “In the infatuation phase, Jen and Dave each thought the other was wonderful.” They didn’t say anything hurtful to this wonderful person, for feat the wonderful person would think less of them. The reason they didn’t hurt each other in infatuation phase is not the reason that keeps happy couples from hurting each other after the infatuation phase”, they say. “The problem is that as discord increases in the marriage, the partners begin to care less and less how the other perceives them.”
Make Your Stock Go Up
Jen and Dave “didn’t want to do anything to lower their stock with this wonderful person” say Lee and Rudolph, so they didn’t say anything. Their solution? “Think of yourself as a stock,” they say, “like in the stock market. You have a price, which fluctuates all the time. You want to do things that drive up your price, which makes your stock more valuable to your partner, a principal shareholder. Conversely, you want to avoid that which lowers your stock. Jen: “Could you help me with the groceries?” Dave: “Can’t you see I’m on the phone? (Stock lowerer.) Instead, they recommend Dave handle it like this: “Sure, honey, I’ll get them in a minute, I’m on the phone”. (Stock raiser.) Jen: “Oh, sorry didn’t see you were on the phone. I can get them.” (Stock raiser.)
The only way to resolve any kind of conflict is by discussing it. Hopefully, without screaming at each other! One reason spouses don’t want to have sex with each other is they are mad at each other. If something is bothering you in your sex life, bring it up without hurting the other person’s feelings. If for instance, your husband is too premature in bed, don’t make fun of him or make him feel embarrassed. Frame everything in the positive. Instead of saying “It’s over so fast I don’t even have time to enjoy myself”, say “You know, if we slow it down, even go slo-mo, it would be sexy and would give me time to get warmed up.” Guys will do anything you want if it involves them getting laid.
If you are fighting about one of you spending too much money and the other one being too tight, sit down together and go over the household finances, and see how much you are spending, and agree to compromise. The more you hide the worse it gets. Be transparent with each other for less arguing.
A major conflict is people spending so much time on Facebook and Instagram that they never talk to each other. Make some fun Instagram posts together and agree to not get mad if your partner starts following hot fitness models. Don’t even take Instagram seriously. Instagram is so Jr. High its not even worth arguing about.
Arguments in a marriage can be considered a good thing, as long as you both get over them and agree to move forward. And if that happens, you get to kiss and have great make-up sex.