Every week, we give our readers a glimpse inside the mindset of a guy's brain on weddings with the help of the hilarious and smart editors at The Plunge. For their latest installment, they've outlined how to write your own vows without going overboard.
At The Plunge, we do our best to debunk longstanding, false assumptions about guys' roles in wedding planning. However, we also do our best to be completely honest with you, and sometimes your assumptions are very much on point. We all know the old saying about what happens when you assume, but you know what else makes an ass out of you and me — specifically me? Writing our own vows.
It's not that we don't want to profess our undying love for you. We just believe certain things — dental surgery, skydiving instruction, vow writing — are best left to the experts. Our preference will always be to let the officiant do his job. If, however, your preference is to personalize, then expect the following from your man (and tell him we said, "Godspeed") .
It seems romantic to surprise each other at the wedding ceremony until your groom announces he hasn't been this happy since the Giants won the Super Bowl. To avoid this, discuss the basics of what you plan to say beforehand. A few lines or a few paragraphs? Formal or casual? Personal anecdotes? Favorite song lyrics? (Please, no favorite song lyrics.) It'll kill the mystery a little but you'll both be better off.
No 10-Dollar Words
We trade emails all day with managers who cram as much superfluous business jargon into their sentences as humanly possible, and all it does is remind everyone how little is actually getting done. (Yes, we realize the irony of using the words "superfluous" and "jargon" in the aforementioned sentence. "Aforementioned," damn it! Let's move on.) Cluttered, ugly sentences don't work in emails and the same goes for our vows. Expect to hear only words we'd actually use in conversation.
No Note Cards
A matter of pride for most guys but something you should probably both agree to since you really shouldn't need help to declare your love for each other. If he resists, tell him all it takes is one week of replacing Candy Crush with speech practice during bathroom breaks at work. Same goes for you, too, we guess.
See more: How Real Couples Put a New Spin on Old Wedding Traditions
Okay, Maybe One Note Card
Whether he blows off the aforementioned rule or the moment just gets too big for him, it's a comfort to have a backup plan. In this case, a cheat sheet in a jacket pocket.
We advise our guys to use the "Three Fs" of vow writing as their central theme: forever, fidelity, and falling in Love. Men never like to sound too schmaltzy but we always remind them being scared of sappiness at your wedding is like being scared of snow on the ski slopes.
Of course it will be specific to you, but guys have a few sources from which to steal in these situations and steal we shall! Source number one: the Bible. Straight from God to your wedding ceremony — you can't go wrong! Source number two: the Internet. This glorious global communications tool has ensured no one ever needs to do anything original ever again. As we showed you with grooms' speeches, there's no shortage of plug-and-play sites out there. Honestly, it's not a horrible thing if your guy goes this route.
Remember, you don't want surprises.
Swearing is one of our favorite pastimes, but you don't see any of that around here, do you? Stinkin' right you don't! That's inappropriate! Even if it's an attempt at being ironic or funny, it never is. There are endless toasting opportunities for humor, and it should go without saying to leave sex and your ex out of your vows. In the context of a wedding ceremony, even one dirty word will look glaringly out of place. No one will remember anything else. We swear.
No More Than A Minute
Short and to the point. We didn't want to write these ourselves in the first place.