There is too much pressure placed on orgasm, plain and simple. I know, one minute we’re giving you a list of tips on how to have more orgasms and now we’re saying, “Chill.”
Why? It’s making sex less enjoyable—sex has become a game of Monopoly: Too damn complicated and utterly nerve-shattering. And it’s all because we place our sexual value on receiving and giving orgasms.
It feels counterintuitive to say you’ll have better sex (and more of it) if you stop worrying about orgasms, but it’s the absolute truth. We have got to stop putting so much pressure both on our own and our partner’s orgasm. The performance-based model of sexuality is killing our collective sex drives.
Sex shouldn’t be a performance and it shouldn’t be like a video game. It is an erotic, fun experience we get to have with our partner. Hear us out and more sex will await you in the future.
Pressure takes much out of the fun out of sex.
Don’t get us wrong, having orgasms is a fabulous part of sexual activity. It’s the sexual peak and release that we all crave. If you experience an orgasm during sexual play (of any kind), that’s great. Regardless, this doesn’t mean that it should be the sexual goal.
The only standard by which you should measure good sex is whether or not you experience pleasure with your partner(s). Orgasm is the cherry on top of the sundae, but it isn’t the end-all-be-all. If you shift focus and set your sights on pleasure instead of the big “O,” you’ll have much more satisfying sex. Don’t we all deserve that in our lives?
Most women don’t even orgasm during penetration.
Enough with all the undue pressure on women to have orgasms during straight-up penetration alone. This is not even possible for 70 percent of female-bodied people. We need clitoral stimulation to get to orgasm. Many women experience pleasure through the G-spot, but certainly not all.
When we put pressure on our partner to have an orgasm, without properly stimulating them to orgasm, it creates a negative feedback loop. Your partner (or you) may even fake orgasm because they don’t know what else to do. You know what happens when someone is faking orgasms all the time? They stop wanting to have sex. It’s both exhausting and feels pointless.
Focus on the clitoris. Please! Rewrite the script on what counts as sex. Penetration isn’t the only thing that has value. Give each other oral stimulation, play with toys, use your hands instead of a penis or dildo. Enjoy other forms of pleasure and expand the menu.
If you’re expecting orgasm, you’re less like to have one.
Performance anxiety is something many women experience. If we think that the only way to make a partner feel good about their sexual adequacy is by having an orgasm, it loads the pressure on ten-fold.
We’ve got to stop freaking out about orgasm and just enjoy sex for what it is: a really fun activity! If you stop asking your partner “Are you going to come?” and replace it with, “Does that feel good?” you change the game for everyone.
Take orgasm off the table entirely. Do things that feel good for both of you. Call it quits when you feel you’ve had enough for this moment. There is nothing wrong with enjoying yourselves without some grand finale in mind. Trust us, if you do this, you’ll wind up having more orgasms.
Ironic, isn’t it?
No one wants to have sex when there is strain involved.
Honestly, the bread and butter of it all is right here: No one wants to have sex when they feel like there is pressure built into it. If having sex feels more like taking the SATs than it does a vacation on the beach, you’re not doing sex correctly.
Look, we get it. Orgasm is presented like the ultimate accomplishment. Giving someone an orgasm makes you feel like a superhero. That’s the problem right there. The thing that should make you feel amazing about yourself is making your partner feel amazing, and feeling amazing during your own pleasure.
That is what makes sex fun and it’s what makes people want to do it. If you or your partner are experiencing low desire, the pressure to orgasm might be a key player.
Let it go and get more action.