Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha loses her orgasm? No matter how hard she tries, through sex, via toys, the whole nine—she can't seem to get off.
It’s a question a woman asks herself more times than you might imagine. It’s quite common. More common than anyone cares to admit. Perhaps your orgasm seems to have taken an extended vacation?
It’s not exactly a light topic of conversation.
One second that thing your partner does with his or her tongue is all you need to see stars and then, boom, nothing. Your trusty vibrator, the one you’ve depended on through thick and thin, has decided it no longer meshes with your clitoris as of late.
What is a gal to do? Luckily, a missing orgasm is a sexual concern that can be addressed and overcome. Here is what to do if your orgasm has gone missing. Wishing you many explosive pleasure experiences in the near future.
Assess the stressful areas of your life
If you’re getting sexually frustrated and cannot seem to orgasm, look at every area of your life. Have there been any big recent changes? Is something causing you emotional stress? If you think back to the SATC episode from above, you'll remember that Sam's lost O coincided with Miranda's mother's death and Samantha's reluctance to cope with the grief. Once she allowed herself to connect to Miranda's pain and let out all the emotions she was feeling, voilà! Her orgasm reappeared.
Our ability to feel sexual pleasure, and to eventually reach orgasm, is often connected to our level of relaxation and sense of "oneness" with the world. It takes a certain sense of focus to orgasm for most women, especially with a partner. We know that sounds a bit woo woo, but you’d be surprised how much our real life circumstances can affect our ability to come.
If you’re extremely stressed out, are having relationship problems, or are just not connected to your body, you may find that your orgasm doesn't want to come out and play until you figure that s**t out.
Masturbate (and take your time!)
Take your partner out of the equation for a few days. We’re not suggesting a sexile—just take a minute to get back into your own groove. Masturbation is a healthy part of our lives, whether or not we’re in a relationship.
Our partners, while we love them dearly, can put pressure on us to have orgasms, whether they mean to or not. We want to please and they want to please us.
Orgasm happens in four phases: Excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Where we get stuck is usually in that plateau phase, which in this particular instance is as unsexy as it sounds. If you’ve been having trouble getting out of the “almost there, but not quite” sector of pleasure: Masturbate.
And we don’t mean a quick roundabout with your magic wand. Take your time and enjoy yourself. Draw a bath and rub your skin down with your favorite oils. Put on some mood music. Make love to yourself. Devote an evening or a few hours. Self-love is as important as partnered sex. If you’ve lost your orgasm, finding it by yourself is a pressure-free(ish) way.
For more information, check out these six amazing tips for more fulfilling masturbation sessions.
Breathe into your body
Again with the focus and centering. If you’ve lost your orgasm, it likely has to do with a disconnectedness you’re feeling to your body (and clitoris). We store a ton of negative energy in our bodies. It can cause psychological blocks to our most orgasmic pleasure.
When you’re masturbating and having partnered sex, breathe into your body. Take big, long cleansing breaths. Focus on every single little thing you are feeling. Let your mind be one with your pleasure, not distracted by all the annoying things happening in other realms of your personal life.
Give meditation a try. It takes practice, but it can help you relearn feeling from head to crotchal region. We have a guide to sexual meditation right here.
Don’t get (too) stressed out about it
As trite as this may sound, don’t panic about a missing orgasm. It is a temporary problem. We can understand the nerves. It can take a lot for a woman to come into her body and discover the full breadth of her pleasure. For many of us, we didn’t have a first orgasm until a friend explained what a vibrator was.
Your clitoris is not something a health teacher is ever going to mention. To get to a place where you can own your pleasure and ask for what you like—only to have your orgasm vanish—is stressful AF.
We have your back here. Don’t turn yourself inside out with worry. An orgasm is a finicky thing. It goes on hiatus without warning at different times in our lives. Remind yourself that this is not forever, and take action steps to alleviate the concern.
You are going to be fine! We promise.
Utilize professional help
If you’ve tried all of the above and are still like, “Nope. No orgasms for me. I guess this is my life now,” don’t freak out. There are totally orgasms for you! This is not your life now!
See more: 5 Sex Positions For Multiple Orgasms
There is a marvelous branch of professionals whose job it is to help you with concerns of this very nature. Enlist the assistance of a sex coach. They are advocates for your pleasure. Through coaching, you’ll be able to gain the knowledge, confidence, and education you need to get your orgasm back.
Sometimes you just need someone in your corner letting you know everything is going to be OK. Because it will be!
Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
