First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby…Right?
You know how the saying goes, but in our ever-changing society it really doesn’t apply anymore, and perhaps it’s time people take notice. It seems as though as soon as you get married, prying minds inquire about your desired family goals. You may even be put through unwanted tummy glares and not-so-passive nudges from your in-laws. If this rings familiar, you’re not alone. We spoke to real women for their takes on what not-to say regarding fertility.
“Just stop asking when we’re going to have babies/ I used to not care, but after a miscarriage prying questions just serve as a constant reminder. It’s not as easy to have a baby as people think. If you’re close enough to me, you know what we’re going through and if you’re not then you shouldn’t be asking.” —Nicole, 30
“Oh, pretty much everything! I could say a lot, but it probably shouldn’t be published.” —Melissa, 37
“I have gotten made fun of for changing my baby plan. I originally wanted babies early, but career and life demands prevented that for me. Now, when I say that I probably won’t have kids for the next three or four years, people like to point out my change of heart and laugh. What they don’t know is that I’m actually really upset I had to postpone having kids. You never know what people are going through. It’s usually best to keep your thoughts to yourself when it comes to babies.” —Lindsay, 28
“When is it ok to ask about babies post-marriage? NEVER. You never know what goes on behind closed doors—there could be trouble conceiving (it could be him or her) or trouble in the marriage or someone lost their job...You never know what hardships people may be facing.” —Nancy, 37
“There are a few I’ve heard that certainly don’t help. ‘It will happen when it happens.’ ‘Try not to stress yourself out, that doesn’t help.’ And, ‘Are you going to have kids soon? What are you waiting for?’ “ —Jess, 29
“I think when a married couple expresses that they aren’t sure they want to have kids, it puts people in an uncomfortable position when others say, ‘but you guys would make such great parents’ or try to make people feel guilty about not doing it.” —Theresa, 37
“I hate when I hear, ‘It will happen when it happens,’ and the one I hate the most is, ‘You can always do IVF!’ Also, people saying, ‘Back in the day we didn’t have to do any of this, this is crazy!” Advice I would give, is that fertility is a process and only women going through it or who have been through it understand. It’s hard to hear that you need help getting pregnant because as women that is what we are made to do. So, you feel like your own body is letting you down. It’s hard to accept—but I am learning this is a lengthy process and to take one step at a time.“ —Kristin, 30