What to Do if Your Partner Always Expects (or Even Demands) Oral Sex

Giving head can be hot—expecting it every time, without asking, is not

Updated 03/02/19

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Let’s face it, when you partner starts expecting oral sex, it’s not sexy. This may happen in all sorts of ways: They stop asking for it politely, have taken to just lying back and spreading their legs, they push your head down (never OK).

It’s a difficult position to be in, no matter your feelings on oral sex itself. If you’ve given oral sex every (or most) times when you’ve had sex, you might fall into a hole of self-blame. You begin to think you did this to yourself: Maybe I shouldn’t have set such high expectations. Now I have no choice.

Whether you love giving head but simply find the expectation off-putting, you tolerate giving it to get it, or you absolutely dislike it immeasurably but wanted to set a sexy precedent for your sex life, it’s not hot when a partner stops being grateful and excited about oral sex and instead becomes greedy and pushy.

Here's how to have that conversation about expectation and boundaries, and put oral sex back into the routine on your terms.

Have an open and honest conversation

One of the reasons women often keep their mouths shut is because we don’t want to seem frigid or lose our partners. If you stop giving head, you think your partner will start looking for it somewhere else. As if the almighty blowjob was the only thing keeping a person interested in and faithful to you. Biggest eye roll in the history of ever.

This derails healthy relationships entirely. You need to be able to open up and have honest conversations with your partner to find solutions. You don’t need to be afraid of being mean or bruising an ego. Is a shielded ego really worth you dreading sex?

“You can share your loss of appeal without coming off like a jerk. Tell your partner that you enjoy pleasing them but it's feeling like an expectation which takes away your enjoyment,” Kristie Overstreet, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist, tells Brides.

Tell them the honest truth: That you enjoy giving them head, but their constant expectation is making you want to crawl out of your skin. If you’re not turned on by giving head, you’re not going to give very good head. Your partner may not be aware of how they’re making you feel, so just be clear and concise.

“Don't be passive-aggressive by rolling your eyes or jabbing at your partner when they approach you wanting oral sex. Be transparent while taking their feelings into consideration at the same time,” says Overstreet.

Set up boundaries

Once you’ve told your partner that their expectation of oral sex is not hot, you might be dealing with some hurt feelings. Unless they truly think they’re entitled to oral sex (and have said as much), they probably didn’t think they were being pushy. You want to center the conversation around the two of you and your joint approach to oral sex.

You can make setting up boundaries sexy and hot. Reassure your partner that you love giving them head, but you just need a break. You want to recalibrate their thinking and take away the expectation.

“For example, ask your partner to not ask for oral sex for one month. This will remove the expectation and give you the opportunity to initiate,” Overstreet tells us. “Let them know that you will initiate, but you won't tell them when. This will leave them anticipating and wondering when you will make your move.” They’ll be wondering when it’s coming, but won’t ask for it. It makes the situation playful and fun rather than enforced by the 'Oral Sex Police.' ”

If your partner, though, does believe you’re required to give oral sex whenever they want, please seek couples therapy. This could be a sign of emotional abuse, and you should attain outside help.

Remember, you don’t have to give oral sex if you don’t want to

Oral sex is not a duty. There are about 9 zillion other things you both can do to each other.

If you absolutely hate giving oral sex and don’t want to do it anymore, that’s OK. Not everyone enjoys giving head. If you’re doing it just to please a partner, you should be honest about that. But also be open minded. It’s quite possible that oral sex is something they feel is important for their sex life.

You have to ask yourself if not giving head to your partner at all is worth the risk of dissatisfaction in your sex life. For many people, oral sex is the main attraction of sexual play, or one of them. That being said, there are so many other things to try out. Kink or tantra, for instance, might be ways to explore new realms of sexuality.

Additionally, understand that you can’t expect a partner to give you head if you’re not willing to reciprocate. If oral sex is something you enjoy receiving, you have to be willing to give oral sex as well. It’s not fair to expect one thing from your partner and not be open to doing the same. You’ll wind up resenting each other, leaving your partner in the same predicament you’re in now.

We’re not saying oral sex is mandatory; of course it isn’t. What is important is that both partners are on the same page about they want and everyone is getting everything they want out of their sex life. This takes communication, empathy, and a willingness to compromise.

Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.

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