"Meditation is often pitched as being about stress-relief or as a spiritual discipline," he tells BRIDES. "But it's way more than that. Meditation positively impacts every aspect of your life—relationships, career, creativity, athletic performance, health, happiness. Sex is very much a part of life, and meditation absolutely plays as much of a role there as anywhere else."
Below, Comer walks us through five ways that meditation can drastically improve your bedroom practices. Om-chicka-wow-wow!
1. Removes Stress from Between the Sheets
If you're still sweating that huge work project due on Thursday, that's not the type of sweat you want to be working up during sexy time with your partner. "Stress is a massive passion killer," says Comer. "When we're overwhelmed and feeling under massive pressure, nobody feels like getting their groove on." There's also a reason we use words like "sweating" to imply "stressing;" it's because that tension also affects us physically. "Stress is exhausting," Comer explains. "It's our bodies reacting as though we're being threatened. That's why we're shaking or feel nauseous, or want to run and hide or fight." And you couple that fatigue with anxiety, you run into sleep problems. "Meditation gives you way more energy by just removing the stress that's been claiming so much of it," says Comer.
2. Manages Unwelcome Distractions
Speaking of things you want out of your sex life, nobody likes a distracted lover. "If you get into bed and you're worrying about all your problems, or you're thinking about Scarlett Johansson, your partner is going to know it," says Comer. "Maybe he or she isn't a psychic who knows you're thinking about Scarlett specifically, but we all know when our partner is preoccupied and it's a massive turn-off." Comer says that meditation develops the skill to notice when we're distracted, and then refocus our minds. "The first moment you try to meditate, you notice how difficult it is to stay focused," he says. "But that's okay! Everybody's mind is all over the place. We have to first notice that before we can move it back to where we want it."
3. Gets You "Out of Your Head and Into Your Bed"
Now here's the bit that gets a little confusing if you overthink it: (But that's kinda the point—don't overthink it!) "If you want to be present with your partner in bed, and you want the sex to be a connection and intimate experience, you have to be there," says Comer. "Be present. If a partner is not really present, then that's very unattractive." Comer says that meditation will teach you how to clear your mind and, as mentioned above, remove distractions as they arise before they've disrupted your good time.
4. Leads to Better Listening (and Thus Better Doing!)
We know you've heard "communication is key," and Comer says the key to communication is—surprise!—meditation. "Listening is such an aphrodisiac," he says. Think back to the very beginning of your relationship: everything your partner had to say was fascinating. "But once you've been dating for a while, when a partner starts talking, we internally roll our eyes and think, 'Yeah, I've heard this before' or 'I know what he or she's going to say,'" Comer says. "We stop listening, and we wonder where the spark has gone."
How do you listen? If you use meditation techniques to combat distractions and completely pay attention to your partner, Comer says you'll send a signal that your partner matters to you. "People know if you're off in your mind working out how to shave one minute off your commute and not really listening — even if they're too polite to say, 'Oy! Listen to me!'" he says. "But most of us have a couple people in our lives who we think of as 'great listeners' and those are the most loved people we know. Just that one trick of genuine listening can completely change a relationship."
5. Allows You to Be a Submissive to the Subconscious
This isn't BDSM talk, guys. (Get that here.) But, Comer suggests that giving yourself over to your unconscious mind during sex will massively benefit your experience. "One of the premises of meditation is that we have at least two different minds," he says. "One does our thinking and worrying and solving of problems. But the other part of our mind is way, way cleverer. It can drive a car without you having to remember how. It can read a crowded room of people's personalities. This subconscious part is hugely powerful."
Still, our "thinking" mind thinks it knows better. "We try to control situations using our conscious mind," Comer explains. "So when we're having sex, we're obsessing over, 'I read all these great sex tips and I have to make sure I kiss here and rub there.' Meanwhile, your partner is giving you thousands of subtle signals in their movements and breaths and sighs." If you're able to quiet your conscious mind, Comer says your unconscious mind will pick up on those signals and adjust accordingly. "It's almost going to be like you're telepathic," he says. "You'll know exactly what your partner wants, when they want it and how they want it. Allowing that unconscious side of you to come through is the entirety of meditation. It's helping us notice the thinking mind and trying to go deeper into that much quieter, constant awareness of the present moment."
Don't Worry If You've Never Meditated Before
Breathe easy! (Ha.) Comer says it's "unbelievably simple" to start. "It's simply pausing and breathing," he instructs. "The only thing you have to do to turn that into a meditation is to pay attention to your breathing." Of course the difficult part is holding your attention on the breathing, but as Comer mentioned before, a wandering mind is not a mark of defeat. "That's what minds do—they wander," he says. "People think, 'Oh, I can't meditate because my mind wanders,' but everybody's does. The first time you mediate, you'll usually notice wandering within the first two breaths as you start daydreaming about the color of the wedding napkins. This IS the mediation. The meditation is getting distracted, noticing it, and then saying, 'Huh. I've just caught my mind going somewhere else, and now I'm going to bring it back to the breathing" over and over for however long you can. Meditation is like this Jedi mind trick of a) where's my mind? and b) practicing putting it somewhere else—back where it's supposed to be."
And if you need a little help jumping on the bandwagon, here are some apps to get your foot in the meditation door—and then into bed (wink wink).