"Help! How Do I Get My Fiancé to Be More Adventurous in Bed?"

Sex therapist Anka Radakovich is here for you

Updated 02/15/19
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Welcome to Ask Anka, a weekly column where sex therapist Anka Radakovich dives deep into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a DM (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) on Instagram @Brides

Dear Anka,

My fiancé is more vanilla in the bedroom than I am. How do I get him to be more adventurous?"

This is a good time in the relationship to go on a “sexual road trip” together. Talking about what you want now will set the tone for your future relationship, and it will add spice to your sexual “menu.” But first, you have to know what you want. Almost everyone has a secret sex fantasy they want to try with their partner, but they haven’t told them yet! "Good sex” happens when people talk about all the sexy stuff they're going to do to each other before they do it. Don’t be embarrassed to speak up; it’s supposed to be fun!

Make a Sexy List, Then Compare Notes

Jot down a list of five sexual activities you would love to do with your your partner that you haven’t done yet. These can be anything from having sex in a public place to light bondage/tying each other up. (Of course, before you try something like this you have to decide who gets to be the “tier-upper” and the “tier-upee.”)

Some of the most common non-vanilla fantasies are spanking, submission & dominance, role-play and “cosplay” (dressing up in costumes, such as Catwoman and Batman.) Just wearing the masks can be hot too.

Out of the five activities, you will probably have at least one or two in common. Now you “have permission” from your partner to try those without feeling embarrassed for asking. Some activities might require a trip to prepare, like going to a costume shop or sex toy store together, and others might require reading a book. My new favorite “how-to” book is The Ultimate Guide to Bondage, Creating Intimacy Through The Art Of Restraint. And if you still think some of your desires might not be “normal,” there’s a chapter in there about people who are into “balloon popping” as a fetish—something for everyone!

Make a “Yes, No, And Maybe” List

To take it a step further, make a list of 10 sexual activities you are very interested in doing, sort of interested in doing, and “things I would never in a million years do.” People who are into alternative sexual lifestyles; for example those who practice BDSM, practically choreograph the sexual activities they are about to do before they do them.

What this list accomplishes is revealing the degree of interest each person has in different activites. Compare notes and see what sexual fantasies you have in common. The "No" activities are non-negotiable.

To keep things from getting awkward when trying something new, establish a comfort zone by using the phrases "green light," "yellow light," and "red light," to stop at any time. Having tried this technique myself, the good news here is that half the time you will end up laughing, (i.e “At first that Zorro mask was sexy, but now I just can’t take you seriously.”)

Openly discussing your fantasies and desires is one of the most powerful things a couple can do, and will bring you closer in the end. And it’s okay to laugh with your partner, who is now in the kitchen still wearing their superhero costume.

Anka Radakovich is a couple’s counselor, certified sexologist, and sex therapist. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.

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