You’re tired and don’t want to have sex. It’s the start of a vicious cycle you've been warned about regularly, right? You get tired, you don’t want to have sex, you never have sex again, you get divorced. It feels a little ridiculous, but this idea is all over the Internet and brunch conversations alike. You’re either in need of sex tips to keep passion alive, or your expectations for sex are too high. You can’t seem to win.
Look around you. There is a ton of pressure to keep sex hot and exciting. You see countless articles and advice columns on how to keep it poppin’ in the bedroom. Hey, we’ve got plenty of content on the subject.
While there is a lot of truth to this advice (and a ton of BS), the fact remains, sometimes you’re just too damn tired to have sex.
The truth of the matter is, it’s OK to be too tired for sex sometimes. No, it doesn’t mean your sex life is over. Yes, really. Here’s why.
You have to listen to your body.
We often push ourselves to do things we don’t want to do because we think it’s good for us. This a guilt-packed situation.
On the one hand, you’re exhausted and want to take a few nights off to rest. On the other hand, you’re told constantly by experts and the media that if you’re too tired for sex, your marriage is in trouble.
This blatant disregard for our needs can lead to resentment and fatigue. You have to give your body what's right for it—and sometimes that means sleep. Your body might need you to lie in bed and read a book or watch Netflix.
Listen to your body and help it be its best self. If this means orgasms, have orgasms. If it means sleep, then snooze away. It’s OK to let yourself rejuvenate. Sex is fantastic, but you don’t have to pressure yourself to have it every day.
Each body is different and needs different things. Sometimes you need to be tied to the bed and spanked. Other times you need to go to a yoga class and come home and take a bath.
Sometimes you’re just too tired for sex. Is that so bad? No. You’re a human being.
There are other ways to feel close.
Sex means closeness. This is advice we see over and over again. If you’re not trying different tantric sex positions every night, there must be something wrong. This is damaging and, frankly, not true. Hot, hot sex great, but is it hot if you’re not feeling it?
We put so much emphasis on keeping sex hot that we forget to mention that there are other ways to feel closeness with your partner. You can make out and feel in tune. Perhaps you might go out on a dinner date or make a home-cooked meal together.
Hold hands, give each other a massage, snuggle, and be lazy. You don’t require wild, passionate sex every night to have a happy marriage. Just do the things that make you both happy.
Maintenance sex is great, but that doesn’t mean every day.
Having sex, even when you aren’t in the mood, is objectively good for relationship health. It’s a lot like going to an exercise class: You don’t want to go, but you feel awesome after. That being said, maintenance sex shouldn’t be the go-to sex you’re having.
If sex is feeling cumbersome, it’s perfectly fine to take a break and recalibrate. Sex isn’t a chore to cross off your list of to-do's. It should be fun—a time to reconnect with your partner and feel a sense of intimacy.
If you want to have an orgasm and don’t have to have full-on intercourse, masturbate together. It’s intimate and sexy. There is no reason why sex ever has to mean penetration. Don’t believe theose myths.
You don’t need to have sex every single day or even a few times a week. You need to have sex in a way that works for your relationship. If you’re putting sex off and your partner has voiced concerns, it’s certainly worth discussing and figuring out ways to keep your both satisfied. Communicate. It’s the only way to keep things level.
But, if you’re both exhausted from work and responsibilities and just want to cuddle tonight, do that. Do what feels right for you.