This Valentine's Day, you as a couple will be surrounded by ideas to celebrate your love, and one such tantalizing option is seeing Fifty Shades Freed on the big screen. It's the third and final installment in the cinematic retelling of E.L. James's Fifty Shades of Grey BDSM novels, and your last chance at a larger-than-life gawking at the buttocks and boobs of our beloved Christian and Anastasia. ("Don’t miss the climax," as the movie poster so eloquently puts it.)
"But, Jessie! I always go see 50 Shades films with my girls! We sneak in mini-bottles of alcohol and giggle uncontrollably every time Christian says, 'Laters, baby' or something equally ridiculous."
I know, ladies. I sat behind you for the past two, and bottoms up. But as a social experiment for the grand finale, I coerced my fiancé, Matt, to accompany me. (Actually, it was embarrassingly easy. He'd seen the first two movies—a fact that he nonchalantly explained with a "I was bored and they were free to stream on HBO GO.") This would be the first romantic(?) film we'd watch together as an engaged couple, and one that happens to feature recently married protagonists.
You may remember from the trailer that Fifty Shades Freed begins with a wedding, and then follows the Greys as they navigate common modern newlywed challenges: when to have kids, should she change her name, withholding sex as revenge, how much say you have in one another's schedules, making up after your first married fight, the best ways to prevent a psychopathic stalker from killing you…okay, maybe not that last one. Still, I was curious: Could Mr. and Mrs. Grey actually teach Matt and me a thing or two about love, sex, and marriage?
To find out, I had Matt write down every single thought he had during our viewing, to be discussed, unpacked and—on my part—overanalyzed later. Warning: some sex, lots of sarcasm, and major spoilers ahead.
1.) In response to Anastasia's wedding dress:
"White feels like an interesting choice at this point. Why not red?"
2.) In response to Christian and Anastasia boarding
his their honeymoon jet:
"One day I'll be able to carry you into our private plane, baby." [Matt and I have degrees in music and journalism respectively, so LOL.]
3.) In response to an argument about Ana going topless at the beach, followed by a sex scene heavily saturated with nipple-licking:
"So. Much. Boob."
4.) In response to above-mentioned sex scene:
"What's the appeal of being chained up with real metal handcuffs? [This seems like a great place to drop in "How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying Kink."]
5.) In response to Christian and Anastasia entering their home as husband and wife:
"When does the whole 'carry my wife into the room thing' wear off? The first time is a nice gesture, but then it's excessive. You're a strong, independent woman who can walk for yourself. It's, like, a matter of feminism at this point, right?" [You're such a good ally, babe...]
6.) In response to Ana asking Christian if he'd take her name:
"Christian Steele. Hmm. It has a nice ring to it. Kinda porn star-ish. Very appropriate."
7.) In response to Anastasia steering their car to safety after being pursued, followed by a front-seat hook-up that ended far too quickly to be believable:
"That was the most boring car chase I've ever seen, but the sex after....pretty boring too."
8.) In response to Ana's bodyguard Sawyer being forced to sit alone while she enjoys drinks with a friend:
9.) In response to Christian raging when he finds out Anastasia has ignored his orders to go directly home:
"Never mind. Sawyer is a NARC!"
10.) In response to using the Greys' sex accessories to restrain the villainous Jack Hyde when he breaks into their home and attempts to abduct Ana:
"Handcuffs to the rescue!"
11.) In response to Christian's rendition of Paul McCartney's "Maybe I’m Amazed":
"No way. He plays piano, and sings!? WHAT CAN'T THIS GUY DO!?"
12.) In response to Ana and Christian WASTING a pint of Ben and Jerry's by using a spoon to trickle it all over each other's private parts:
"As a lactose-intolerant, I find this very offensive."
13.) In response to the friend group's very curated, very clean outfits while trekking through the woods:
"'Hiking formal'—coming soon to a wedding near you!"
14.) In response to the butt plug collection:
"Ummmm what? I legitimately have no idea what those are." [Psst! 6 Anal Sex Tips for Couples]
15.) In response to Christian's hesitancy about being a father:
"I wouldn't want any little Greybies runnin' around either, guys."
16.) In response to the Greys giving each other the silent treatment while showering:
"So many sad showers. This is literally the third time we've seen them just looking sad while in the shower."
17.) In response to Anastasia having the last word while getting dressed for work:
"Feminism is winning an argument with your husband half-naked."
18.) In response to Sawyer failing to keep Ana from being successfully kidnapped:
"YOU HAD ONE JOB, SAWYER!"
18.) In response to an evil henchman throwing Anastasia's phone out a car window:
"Dude has no arm. That phone went, like, 15 feet, max."
19.) In response to Christian's adopted mother telling him, "Say you're sorry, mean it, and give it a little time":
"That's quality marriage advice." [ 🙌]
21.) In response to Christian and Ana's reunion after she receives medical attention:
"Don't have sex in the hospital, don't have sex in the hospital, don't have sex in the hospital…"
22.) In response to Christian apologizing and attempting to make dinner:
"Omg it cries!? It cooks!? Wait, nope."
23.) In response to what feels like the end of the movie:
"This montage, though. 🙄 And the theater erupts with a smattering of applause…because it's over."
24.) In response to the epilogue scene:
"Oh, it wasn't over. And sorry, but that is not a cute baby…"