Are you interested in spanking, but aren’t quite sure where to begin? Are you looking to cause some pain, but not too much? Maybe no pain at all, but just excitement and novelty? You’ve come to the right place.
First things first, there is nothing weird or gross about spanking. Let that nonsense go.
Our brains closely relate pleasure and pain. The same areas light up when we experience both sensations. We love spanking because of the electricity and surprise, the twinning of pain and pleasure. It is erotic. There is a reason Fifty Shades was such a phenomenon, kiddo.
Spanking offers an element of control: Being spanked or spanking is the giving and receiving of control. It is giving total trust to your partner or taking it.
Spanking is an easy way into trying some light kink. The important part is to have your information on hand and being ready to step into this form of play without traumatizing anyone. Spanking is fun, but upsetting your partner and losing trust is not the goal.
Here is how to get started with spanking, for beginners.
Have a conversation before you spank anyone
As fun as spanking can be, it is not something you whip out (no pun intended) during sex. If you haven’t done it before, you need to talk about it beforehand. There is nothing sexy about getting smacked when you, in no way shape or form, want to get smacked.
That is a one-way ticket to sleeping on the couch, amirite?
You don’t have to necessarily carve out time on the G-cal to talk about this, but it does need to be discussed. Bring it up in a neutral way, as a part of a larger conversation about fantasy. Let your partner know you think it would be super hot if they spanked you (or if you spanked them). See what the feelings around spanking might be.
For some, spanking can be triggering. To ease into it, read or watch some erotic materials to suss out what works and what doesn’t. If your partner is apprehensive, figure out if he or she would feel more comfortable being the spankee or the spanker, and begin there.
Have a safe word
Always have a safe word when trying anything remotely kinky. We suggest using the stop light method: Green for “YES PLEASE THANK YOU,” yellow for “This is a bit uncomfortable, slow down,” and red for “STOP THAT NOW.”
This way you don’t have to worry about being yelled at, or doing any yelling, if the spanking is not working for you. It’s a neutral way to pull out of the scene and reassess the situation. It may feel a bit silly at first, but trying new sex stuff is hard.
It can be awkward and uncomfortable. Anything you can do to ease around the more difficult aspects is welcomed.
Start with hands
When trying spanking for the first time, always, always, always start with a bare palm on a butt. No slapping, for goodness sake! This is not your opportunity to grab a wooden spoon and go to town, full force on your partner’s bottom. Nope. This will not work out well for most people.
Don’t get into it by hammering away. Smack them once during sex and see how it feels. Were they turned on? Were you turned on? If you get a positive reaction, go for another spank. Always go slowly and proceed with care. Empathy is key here. Pay attention to both your own feelings and that of your partner.
Work up to harder strokes
You know when you’re playing baseball and you wind up to pitch a ball as fast and hard as you can? Yeah, this isn’t like that.
Do not spank someone with full strength, unless you are specifically told that is what they want. If you want to work up to hard spankings and/or spanking accoutrements (such as a riding crops or paddles), there is opportunity to do so. You, like everyone, need to start at the beginning.
Don’t rush things. There is plenty of opportunity to explore your sexual threshold and test boundaries.
Check in with your partner
Remember to check in with your partner before, during, and after play.
Before you begin, let them know you plan to do some spanking during whatever sex you’re having. After you spank them during sex, ask if it felt good before trying again. After you’re finished having sex, talk about how you felt during the experience.
Checking in breeds trust. Make time for after care. Cuddle and hold your partner. If they are a person who prefers to have space after sex, let them have their space.
We all want to feel cared for and loved. It’s important that your partner knows you’re there for them and they you. You’ll be much more likely to play this way again if you both feel safe and connected throughout the experience.