Do you and your partner have a bit of a “dead fish” problem? No, we’re not being gross, you guys. Stop being weird.
What we're trying to say: Is your partner (or are you) the kind of person who lies back and lets things happen during sex without much reciprocation? Is this sounding familiar?
You may not have thought about this before, and that’s OK. Not many of us want to look in the proverbial mirror and say: I’m kind of a selfish lover. I may want to do something about that.
Here are three major signs you’re a selfish lover, and very tangible solutions to improve your sex life in major ways.
The problem: You’re a pillow princess
Meaning, you like to receive but rarely give in return. It’s easier than you think to fall into this habit. You find something you really enjoy, like lying back while your partner goes down on you or leisurely lounging against the headboard for a lifted missionary.
“This person may initiate sex and expect oral or penetrative sex with no energy or attempts to please their partner,” Dr. Kristie Overstreet, PhD., a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist tells Brides. Before you know it, these are your go-to moves. They feel great for you so you don’t see a problem. Except there is a problem: Your partner is doing all the work and reaping few of the benefits.
The solution: You have to give as much as you receive (at least, partly)
OK, maybe not AS MUCH, but at least enough so the other person doesn’t think you’re quite possibly a moaning corpse. “Focus your energy and attention to what will please your partner during sex. Don't think only about yourself,” Overstreet suggests. Remember that sex may feel awesome for you, but it isn’t all about you. Both people have a right to have their needs met.
The problem: You focus on your orgasm entirely
When you’re super into your body (and maybe have just recently become acquainted with the power of the clitoris), you can get wrapped up in your own experience. This happens more than you think. When something feels freaking fantastic, you may forget another sentient being is in the room with you.
Overstreet says to be wary of this behavior with a partner as well and to take heed. Look for someone “focusing all the attention on what feels good to them and doesn't check in with what you like. For example, a guy who only focuses on what he likes and doesn't ask their partner what feels good to them.”
The solution: Make the party about your partner
You don’t have to make every single sexual experience a grand show of your love and sexual devotion to your spouse. But changing it up to give them focus is a huge turn on and should be on the menu regularly.
Trust us, if you want to have more sex, you need to give your partner some initiative to get naked. Nothing kills libido faster than knowing you’re not going to get yours. “Pay attention to your partner's verbal and nonverbal reactions. This can help you to know if what you are doing is helping them experience pleasure,” Overstreet adds.
The problem: You don’t know how to take feedback
Selfish lovers don’t listen when their partner tells them something isn’t working for them. Or worse, they get defensive and take it as a personal assault that their sex skills would be called into question.
We get it. You want to believe you can do no wrong. And not in a cocky way; sex is a vulnerable position to be in. None of us are ever 100 percent sure we know what we’re doing. To have our husband or wife mention something negative is a real ego buster.
The solution: Listen to what is being said to you.
Don’t take it so personally. “Receive their feedback with care and don't get defensive. Make a plan to change your behavior so that you can be a better partner,” Overstreet tells us. It is the wrong outlook to take it personally. The way to look at it is that there is always room for improvement.
And don’t wait around for feedback. “During sex ask your partner if what you are doing feels good to them. Ask them for guidance so you know you are on the right track,” Overstreet adds.
You can even make it a role play thing. Go for the bossy teacher/student dynamic and acquire some real knowledge.
You want to have great sex, your partner wants to have great sex. Instead of having a meltdown when he or she makes a suggestion, take that feedback to heart—and implement it! Listening is sexy.