It's officially fall, y'all! (Throws golden-glossed maple leaves up into the crisp air)
Today, the 2017 autumn equinox marks the beginning of the best—and admittedly most basic—season of all. (Its opening event in nature even inspired the name of an ultra-expensive, ultra-branded gym.) Alongside chunky scarves and spiced candle scents, we also welcome the onset of "cuffing season"—the colder months of the year when men and women seek out relationships, instead of hookups, for dependable body warmth and partners for fruit picking.
And after finding one's human equivalent of a Snuggie, it's impossible not to notice how happy everyone looks all wrapped up in layered clothing and each other. Perhaps it's because they're buried under cozy coats, but the filters of fall and—of course—Valencia make their love seem somehow deeper now. Which brings me to my point: Prepare yourself, friends. The BCB, a.k.a. basic couple behavior, is about to get Out. Of. Control. So before you post that "#Blessed" caption under a precious picture of you and bae (are we still saying "bae?") carving matching pumpkins, ask yourself, "Am I contributing to the madness?"
Here are 21 signs you and your significant other are as vanilla as your sparkly body lotion.
1. You Take a Selfie in Leaves
There's something romantic about fallen foliage. Sitting in leaves, throwing leaves, holding up leaves to reflect sunlight—we see your attempts at raking up the "likes."
2. You Have a Joint Couple Name and Corresponding Hashtag
Though you guys have yet to reach celebrity status, your obsession with documenting every trip to the grocery store has reached Kimye standing. #ShamiloGoesShopping #SharonAndMilo #BasketBuddies (If you don't yet have a couple name, your basicness is in jeopardy. Get one here.)
3. You Make an Instagram for Your Dog, Then Post on It to Each Other AS Your Dog
A picture is worth 1,000 words:
4. You Challenge Each Other to FitBit Walk-Offs
"HA! Ten thousand four hundred and thirty-two steps, Brennan! Our green smoothies are on you tonight."
5. You Set Your iPhone's Lock Screen to a Kissing Photo
Your passcode is your anniversary or your partner's birthday, amirite?
6. You Tell Everyone at the Bar About Your "Signature Seasonal Cocktail"
Oh, really? Mulled wine in the fall is your thing? Please, tell me again how much you LOVE Pamplemousse La Croix...
7. You Use Terms of Endearment That Make No Actual Sense
Pookie? Sugar-booger? Snuggle muffin? Those pet names aren't cute or comprehensible. Would you really cuddle a breakfast cupcake? Crumbs would go everywhere.
8. You Wear Matching Slippers and/or Bath Robes
Buying slippers or a bath robe is its own commitment to an Elle Woods degree of basic, but coordinating luxury loungewear is next level.
9. You Memorize Each Other's Starbucks Order
He loves the cold brew. For her—all together now: "Pumpkin Spice Latte—no whip, please!"
10. You Name Your Unborn Children and Talk About Them...a Lot
"I can't wait until Bryson is captain of the lacrosse team, just like his daddy! I'm also fine if he prefers tennis."
11. You #ManCrushMonday or #WomanCrushWednesday Every. Week.
Are you tagging your other half next to inspirational quotes? Posting photos of you leading one another through life's journeys? We see you.
12. You See a Tandem Bicycle and Think, "Gee, That Looks Fun!"
One of you pedals; one of you Instagrams.
13. You Binge-Watch So Much HGTV, You Start Identifying
Warning: There will come a moment when you stop labeling the annoying couples on House Hunters as the worst, and start seeing traces of yourselves in them. No birds is a reasonable request, right? Right!?
14. You Pick at Each Other's Skin in Public
You absolutely have to take care of that blackhead this instant—onlooking public transportation passengers be damned!
15. You Book a Couples Massage and Then a Second Session
Extra basic points if you hold hands while lying on your respective tables.
16. You Sign Up for a Restaurant Rewards Program
"Ten dollars off Wine Wednesdays? High-five, babe!"
17. You Start a Kickstarter for a Two-Person Snuggie
Can you believe someone else beat you to it?
18. You Try a Juice Cleanse Together
You'll be sure to vlog your experience on YouTube with before-and-after photos.
19. You Abuse Animal Snapchat Filters
Do you remember what each other's photographed face looks like without doggy ears and a tongue out?
20. You Own a "Chair and a Half"
"You can't sit with us! Seriously. Sorry, but this baby only seats two..."
21. You Just Sent This Story to Your S.O. With the Message, "LOL. This is soooooo us."
Editor's PSA: Before everyone starts throwing steaming hot PSLs towards my face, I should note that this list of "offenses" is 100-percent a joke, and, very much an exercise in self-ridicule. I am as basic as they come. My boyfriend and I frequently communicate in Bitmoji. In fact, I'm literally wearing a flannel shirt and eating a pumpkin-spiced pastry as I write this article—and I just used the word "literally" where it wasn't really necessary.