5 Signs You're Selfish in Bed and How to Fix It

Our sexologist has tips on keeping things equal in the bedroom

Updated 05/28/19

Guille Faingold / Stocksy United

We often hear or talk about men being selfish lovers—having orgasms and then rolling over to sleep without the mere attempt to get women off. And it’s true; this happens all the time in bed between heterosexual cis-couples.

But that doesn't mean it only happens in those relationships; it also happens in reverse with heterosexual cis-couples and in same sex relationships and in polyamorous relationships and in open marriages.

Anyone can be selfish in bed, regardless of gender or the type of the relationship. Being selfish in bed is not good for your sex life. It makes the other person feel undervalued and eventually, resentful. Here are a few ways to recognize selfish sex behavior and how to fix it.

Signs you’re being a selfish lover

You might be wondering whether or not you’re being selfish in bed. Now, this isn’t always true, but for the most part, if you think you are being selfish in bed, you probably are. If you have a partner who is loving and supportive, they might not mention it for fear of hurting your feelings.

The most common signs of bedroom selfishness include:__

Receiving oral sex and pretending to be too tired for intercourse.

Receiving oral sex and then refusing to reciprocate oral sex.

Receiving hand-sex and then deciding you’re finished without reciprocation of any kind.

Always expecting your partner to be on top or do the heavy lifting during intercourse.

Having an orgasm during some other form of sexual play and then deciding the sex is over.

There are definitely other ways to be selfish in bed, but these are amongst the most common.

Here's how to fix it.

Devote a few sex sessions entirely to your partner’s pleasure

If you’ve gotten used to your partner going down you and then pretending to be too tired for intercourse (or whatever habits you’ve developed), let them know you want to spend some time completely devoted to them.

Keep it sexy. Don’t mention anything about feeling guilty for being selfish in bed. Simply say you think it would be hot to please them and do things to make them feel good.

Ask your partner what they’d like you to do. If they aren’t sure, allow yourself some space to explore, checking in along the way to make sure they’re enjoying themselves. You can even explore a Dom/sub fantasy, if you’re into that.

Spending time on your partner’s pleasure will help them feel appreciated and loved. Having orgasms is amazing, but giving them is also rewarding. Be enthusiastic!

Get on top

Are you the type who lays on your back and just lets things happen? Even if you’re a very active bottom (moaning, moving your legs, etc.), sometimes you have got to do the work. You don’t have to do it all the time, but if you don’t at least do the work occasionally, it's not really fair.

Plus, it might turn into a situation wherein your partner doesn’t want to have sex because they are tired of doing everything. Don’t let that happen!

We know, it can be a lot and low-key pretty exhausting (hello, thigh burn!). Try some of these tantric sex positions to make it a bit easier to be on top. (Tip: Direct your attention to the Lotus.)

Be sure your partner is ready to stop before you stop

Last, but not least, be sure your partner is ready for sexual play to stop before you stop. When we’re so focused on our own pleasure, we can let our partner's pleasure fall by the wayside. You get off, are tired, and think, “Alright. Well, that was fun. I wonder what’s on Netflix.”

Your partner may not orgasm and if they’re cool with that, that’s OK. Not all good sex ends with orgasm. Instead, focus on their pleasure. When you’re both ready for the play to be over, then it’s over. The point is that both of you deserve equal pleasure and should be putting work into your sex life.

Go forth, get sexy, and have fun with it.

[Gigi Engle] (http://missgigiengle.com/) is a certified sex coach, clinical sexologist, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on [Instagram] (https://www.instagram.com/gigiengle/?hl=en) and [Twitter] (http://www.twitter.com/gigiengle) at @GigiEngle.

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