Sometimes we all need a little expert advice. But if you’ve never made it to a sex therapist’s couch, chances are, you’ve probably wondered what kind of game-changing sexual healing, erm, wisdom is shared behind closed doors. Well, we unveiled the (lace, of course) curtain, to get top sex experts and docs to reveal the one piece of advice they wish everyone knew. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go flick the lights on (see tip #3!)...
1. Spin your sexual gripes positively.
“When discussing sex problems with your partner, instead of focusing on the sex you're having (or not having), focus on the sex you want be having,” offers Ian Kerner, PhD, and author of She Comes First. “Turn your complaints into a sexy solution and express it in the form of a hot fantasy. Be specific. If you're not getting enough foreplay, then what's your fantasy of the foreplay you'd like to receive? Unlike talking about other issues (money, friends, chores), the language of sex can actually be sexy and arousing.” Example: Your partner never kisses you during sex. Sure, you could complain and be met with your boo feeling shot down. But scribe a sexy text along the lines of, "Remember that time we ditched Alex's wedding reception for that crazy make out session in the coat closet...getting turned on just thinking about that," and you can be damn sure they'll amp up the frenching.
2. Enact a “foreplay starts after the last orgasm” policy.
Here’s a tip Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast (and friend of Glamour) finds herself coming back to time and time again: “If you're not getting enough foreplay, you're part of the problem. That's right, [your partner] isn’t a mind reader. The good news, foreplay isn't restricted to the bedroom,” she says. A few ideas to get you started: surprise her with a photo from your last vacation together, mailed to the office. Send him a text recounting a particularly steamy moment from your last bedroom session. Spray your perfume on their pillow so they think of you when you’re not home. “This will encourage him or her to follow your lead and keep sex top of mind for both of you. You'll be even more excited to see each other and primed for action.”
3. Have sex with the lights on.
Just trust the masterminds on this one and give yourself permission to throw self-consciousness and caution to the wind. “Self-confidence is super sexy. Own your body, own your sexuality, and own the situation,” We-Vibe’s in-house sexpert Tristan Weedmark coaches us. “Even if it’s a step outside your comfort zone at first, one of the best ways to feel confident is to be confident. Stripped down and with the lights on you get to watch each other enjoy [yourselves] and appreciate pleasure.” Besides, now your better half or lover du jour can appreciate your ridiculously epic tiny tattoo or new choker necklace that much more.
4. Dirty talk.
Sick and tired of hearin’ all these people talk about...Well, swap the ‘N Sync-infused blushing for some legit sexy murmurings. “It will instantly change your sex life,” swears Laurel House, dating coach and co-host of The Great Love Debate podcast. “More than you talking, you've got to get your s/o to start talking!” And how do you achieve this not-always-easy feat? Set the example and kick things off, which will empower them to follow your lead and make them feel more comfortable. “The fact is that adding dirty talking into your sexual routine will allow you to orgasm longer, harder, and more! It is so powerful that once your partner really gets the hang of it, they can intensify your orgasm,” adds House. Need some inspiration? Here’s a primer on crazy-hot things you can say in bed. Like, now.
5. In a rut? Try “sexual Feng Shui.”
If you feel like your sexual energy has been blocked as of late, remember this: “Sex is all about the flow of energy, and when your bedroom feels overwhelming it is time for a change. Declutter and get rid of all the distractions that get in the way of having a sexy night with your partner,” advises Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and certified sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Schedule a day or night to work with your partner to make your room more inviting for sex...Place objects in sight from the bed that evoke strong feelings of love and connection [like couple selfies or vacation photos].Put up artwork that makes you feel creative and playful — I recommend colorful and sensual art with texture and depth.” Got a TV in the bedroom? Us too! It’s OK. Just follow Chavez’s rec and throw a fabric cover over it while you’re getting down.
6. Go five times slooooower.
We know, we know: We promised just to spill each sex expert’s top tip. But Emily Morse’s advice was so spot-on we couldn’t resist sharing a second tidbit: “Think about your last sex session. How much better would it have been if you went five times slower?” she asks. “Slowing things down enhances your intimate connection and allows you to savor all the sensations in your body that are missed when rushing to the finish line.” We’re not talking tantric mega sessions here, just enough to leisurely make it through that seductive playlist you’ve got lined up.
7. Make your partner HUNGRY.
“The best orgasms an adult will ever have are the ones they eagerly crave,” implores Gloria Brame, sex therapist and author of Sex for Grown-Ups. “Brain chemistry is why—the more innate anticipation and tension that builds up [experts call the state of this almost-climax feeling “edging”], the more explosive the release will be, regardless of gender.” Approach it how you’d like. For some, this may mean around-the-clock foreplay (à la tip #4). For others, you may want to put the ol' trick of dialing back on effort whenever your partner hits the brink of orgasm to intensify the result. “When you or your partner are almost to a point of begging to come, your chances of an amazing orgasm will skyrocket,” advises Brame.
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