It’s all happening, you guys. In just one week (ONE. WEEK.), Meghan Markle and Prince Harry will wed at St. George’s Chapel. But before they say “I do,” Lifetime is taking a break from their regularly scheduled programming of child-stealing mannies and pregnancy pacts to bring you Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance. Here’s hoping that the IRL Harry and Meghan tune in with plenty of booze tea and drink every time someone says “She’s American... She’s divorced...” because, spoiler alert, they say it an awful lot.
But that's not even the most memorable quote of this cinematic recap of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's relationship. In fact, it didn't even make our list of the top 15 most hilarious, most memorable, most bizarre lines uttered by the royal family's onscreen counterparts. Read them all below, and try not to choke on your scone.
1. "You're not going to start quoting The Lion King again, are you?"
Said by: 15-year-old Prince William
When: The movie opens with Princess Diana's funeral, after which, Prince Charles whisks his young sons away to Botswana to grieve where he tries to impart some wisdom upon his boys. Will gets sassy, and 12-year-old Prince Harry runs into the African wilderness where he encounters a lion who we're supposed to believe is the reincarnation of his mom. Cool. Starting strong.
2. "I had hoped that after the Nazi uniform and stripping down and showing off the family jewels in Las Vegas, we were past all this."
Said by: Prince Charles
When: As he chastises his son for pouring champagne on models (you know, just your normal night out), the Prince of Wales drops this line referring to those Party Boy Prince Harry days.
My, how far we've come...
3. "Peter Pan can't stay in Neverland forever."
Said by: Kate Middleton
When: After Charles is done with his royal reprimand, Kate jumps in—and I give myself four new forehead wrinkles with that cringe.
4. "There's an emergency... with London Bridge... It's falling down."
Said by: Prince Harry and his faithful driver/apparent wingman, Reynolds
When: FINALLY, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle meet. It's the moment we've all been waiting for—and Prince Harry is 40 minutes late. When he does finally show up, Meghan doesn't take any of his crap.
She makes him apologize for his tardiness, teaches him how to use a watch, and then calls him on his bluff after he very clearly told his driver to take a lap around the block and then whisk him away with this poorly planned excuse. Luckily, Harry is quite taken with her confidence. He sends his driver/wingman away (to legit sleep in the car) and he and Meghan talk until dawn.
5. "You want to talk serious? Try being a ginger in England."
Said by: Prince Harry
When: This is Harry's response to Meghan opening up on the struggles of growing up biracial. Meghan Markle just might be the most tolerant woman I've ever seen.
6. "Kate and I binged-watched Suits over the weekend. I love that phrase—binge-watched."
Said by: Prince William
When: After returning from his and Meghan's second date in Botswana (naturally), Harry raves about his new love to Kate and Will, who have apparently done their homework.
7. "Glass ceilings, not glass slippers."
Said by: Meghan Markle
When: Meghan Markle is a strong, independent woman and she doesn't need a Prince of England. As their relationship progresses, she reminds herself that she won't compromise her beliefs for a fairytale.
8. "Your grandma can kiss my ass."
Said by: A group of drunk 20-somethings
When: Meghan brings Harry (dressed as a giant frog, of course) to a Halloween party in Toronto. When a group of drunk bar-goers realize who he is, one shares a sentiment that would make the Queen clutch her pearls.
9. "That blog is a part of her identity!"
Said by: Prince Harry
When: With the press now aware of their relationship, the royals are in full damage control mode and urge Harry to have Meghan take down her now-defunct blog The Tig.
He is having none of it.
10. "You're pretty."
Said by: Prince George to Meghan Markle
When: Meghan Markle is beyond beautiful, but we've all seen Gary Janetti's Instagram. We know this exchange did not take place.
11. "How on earth did you get your hair so straight?"
Said by: A royal racist
When: In case you needed a reminder of how much people can suck, someone drops this snide remark during Meghan's first event with the royals and she shows great restraint by not siccing a corgi on them.
12. "My tower ain’t ivory, dude."
Said by: Meghan Markle
When: After Prince Harry responds to the media's scrutiny with an epic statement condemning the paparazzi and expressing his disappointment at not being able to protect his beloved from them, Meghan angrily tells him that she's no damsel in distress.
She breaks up with him because fairytales don't exist and he's impeding on her independence. Luckily, this break-up lasts only about five minutes. After Harry leaves dejected, Meghan's mother (the real MVP of this movie) shows her a video of her now ex-boyfriend's mom's funeral (you know, just normal post-break-up activities) to explain that Harry was only trying to protect her from the people who killed his mother. They get back together after Meghan races to the airport and stops Harry's plane from taking off, a situation that would've definitely ended with someone getting tased by the TSA if it happened IRL.
13. "How much do you know about corgis?"
Said by: Prince Harry
When: To gain the monarch's permission to marry, Meghan finally meets the Queen. It probably would've been helpful if Harry dropped this piece of advice before they were literally outside the palace door, but luckily, granny takes an immediate liking to this perfect princess. The Queen asks Meghan if she's on The Crown, and thankfully, she is not, as the Queen tells Meghan that if she were, she'd have to throw her in the tower. She's kidding, of course.
14. "My grandson will be marrying a divorced, African-American lady. Everyone onboard? Lovely."
Said by: The Queen
When: As she signs what is basically Harry and Meghan's marriage permission slip, the Queen lets everyone in the room know who's boss.
15. "Will you marry me?"
Said by: Prince Harry, of course.
When: With a roast chicken in the oven, Prince Harry proposes with that beautiful, three-stone engagement ring. This line isn't actually hilarious at all. Meghan's crying. I'm crying. We're all crying, and only that much more excited for May 19 to arrive.
Come May 19, you should join Brides for our live royal wedding coverage, direct from the Plaza Hotel. In honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's royal wedding day, we're bringing you The Royal Wedding Live: A Brides Special Event, where we'll be poring over every big-day detail as they unfold with royal experts, celeb hosts, and some special surprise guests. You won't want to miss this!