How do I have an orgasm during sex? How do I enjoy sex more? I can’t have an orgasm without my vibrator. I prefer oral sex, is that bad? I don’t have orgasms during intercourse, ever!
These are just some of the desperately sad messages I get in my inbox on a daily basis. But listen to me:
Female orgasm doesn’t happen through intercourse alone. It doesn’t.
This is a pervasive lie that has shaken our very core of sexual knowledge since … well, it feels like forever at this point. We can point to Freud and his misconception of the “mature orgasm,” if we want to, but this falsehood has been alive and well far longer. It is an insidious myth so ingrained in the fabric of our collective thinking that many people believe it to be fact, despite the amount of articles rupturing the floodgates of the sex-focused internet, and countless sex-positive books available for consumption.
We just can’t let it go. Is it normal to prefer oral sex to intercourse? YES, of course. And here's why:
The clitoris. No, it’s not an option.
Female-bodied people NEED external clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. We often see a highly popular stat which states that 70 percent of women need external stimulation to orgasm, leaving 25-30 percent of womanhood in the lucky category of “intercourse orgasmic.”
Lies. All lies. While this stat is pathetic and sad in and of itself (only 30% of women are orgasming?!?!?!?), it doesn’t do the truth justice.
The study, from which this stat is pulled, neglects to mention women who externally stimulated the clitoris during sex in some way when they had an orgasm. Here is another recent study that offers similar findings. These are extremely important and relevant studies, but they miss this crucial clit-centric component. In the second study, 18 percent of women reported that vaginal intercourse was sufficient to produce orgasm, but this doesn’t allow for any indirect, internal and external, clitoral stimulation (like through the coital alignment technique, or G-spot, or A-spot action) that might be taking place.
The point is that, it’s more depressing than we even imagined. When you take new information into account, it’s more like 95-99 percent of women who need external clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.
Oral sex has clitoral focus
It makes sense that you’d love oral sex. It's not so hard to understand when you think about it.
Oral sex, when done correctly, offers prime clitoral contact. While technique varies, and different women prefer different things, most of the time the clitoris is on the forefront of the oral sex scene.
For example, when a person is going down on a vulva, they typically lick, flick, or draw circles around the glans clitoris first. It’s not about sticking something in the vagina—at least not right away. Sure, penetrative touching can be a part of oral sex, but the clitoris is queen of the land.
This (much needed) clit-focus brings women to orgasm far more often than intercourse. Intercourse (we’re talking P in the V sex) doesn’t stimulate the clitoris without special attention paid.
If you’re using a vibrator, fingers, or your partner’s pelvis to stimulate the clitoris during intercourse, your chances of having an orgasm drastically increase.
The problem? Most women don’t even know they SHOULD be using a vibrator or their fingers to stimulate their clits during sex. We have a depressingly horrible sex ed system in this country. You’d be hard pressed to pinpoint a curriculum in which the word “clitoris” is even mentioned, let alone its pleasure potential properly explained.
Oral sex, on the other hand, is all about the clitoris. It’s not exactly something you learn in school, but once you experience it, it can completely rock your world.
It’s OK to prefer oral sex.
While we acknowledge that not every woman enjoys oral sex, most are big fans. It deserves to get the recognition it has long missed.
The guilt so many women feel around this matter is tired, worn-out, and completely unfair. We give you permission to want oral sex over intercourse. We give you permission to like whatever you like in bed, whenever you like it.
See more: How to Improve Your Partner's Oral Sex Skills
If you need a certain sex act to have an orgasm, embrace it. You are not less-than for preferring oral sex. You are not broken. You just like having your clitoris licked—which is straight-up anatomically valid and normal.
Once we embrace how the female body works, and rank female pleasure on the same level as we do male, oral sex will simply become another egalitarian sex act we can all enjoy, shame-free.
Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
