Why You Should Spend Time Kissing Before Sex

Kissing is good for the soul. Don't take it for granted

Updated 12/03/18


Kissing is such a simple concept and yet, it gets forgotten. We get so swept up in the hectic hum of everyday life that we forget to kiss each other. Couples who have been married forever will hand out free advice like: Never go to bed angry, always kiss each other goodbye, and say “I love you” as often as you can.

These may seem Hallmark card–esque, but some are extremely accurate. Sex is important and we don’t always give it the credit it deserves, but that doesn’t mean only intercourse or oral sex are important to your overall relationship health. Kissing is just as crucial. It is the beginning of lustful feelings. It awakens desire and opens your mind to the possibility of sexy things to come.

Kissing is so needed—don’t let it slip through the cracks! This is why you should spend time kissing before sex (or even just because).

Kissing establishes intimacy

Kissing may not seem like foreplay, but it totally is. Kissing is the first step towards sex. We mean that, of course, in a metaphorical sense. Kissing won’t always lead to sex and shouldn’t come with sexual expectations, but it is the foundation for other acts of intimacy.

A hot and heavy make out session affirms the connection you have with your partner. It’s what puts your relationship in a different category than that of any other person in your life. They are your partner in life and love. Kissing brings you closer and is a reminder of everything you have together as a couple. It’s saying, “I love you” with your lips and tongues. OK, that was a kind of gross image, but you get it.

When we fall into a routine within a serious relationship, we can forget about the smaller acts of intimacy. We let them fall by the wayside. Kissing your partner regularly helps you maintain your connectedness to the pair-bond.

It releases feel-good chemicals

You should spend time kissing because kissing is amazing, tbh. It doesn’t just get you feeling all warm inside for no reason. It actually releases a bunch of feel-good chemicals from the brain.

When you kiss, oxytocin floods your system. This is nature’s “love hormone.” It’s what makes you romantically attached to your partner. Kissing feels good and is good for you. Oxytocin is the same chemical released when you first fall in love, those first few blissful months or years of dating. Eventually, oxytocin levels even out and you form a more long-lasting, less lust-filled bond with your partner.

Kissing helps to reintroduce those sparks you had in the beginning. Remember to lean into kissing and allow your mind to relax. Instead of wondering when this will be over so you can go finish that Netflix show, take time to enjoy the moment. Couples who kiss are the happiest.

Feeling sexy and wanted never stops being important

Kissing is about more than relationship obligation or oxytocin. It’s about reminding your partner that they are sexy and wanted. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together three years or 15 years, feeling wanted will never stop being necessary to your happiness.

In fact, a desire to be wanted is among one of the most common sexual fantasies people have. It’s about passion. It’s about being wanted so badly your partner cannot wait to have you. We miss that heat we had in the beginning when everything was so easy. Kissing takes us back there. It is a reminder to your partner that no matter how much time has passed, you still find them sexy and hot. That’s what we miss so often in long-term relationships: The memo that making each other feel sexy is needed.

Start slow. Don’t rush things. Play with your partner’s hair. Kiss their nose, eyelids, cheeks, and mouth. Make kissing about your love, not just the act itself. Devote that time to each other. You owe it to your relationship to practice acts of love and commitment.

Have you ever seen those couples in their 80s who are eating dinner holding hands at a restaurant? They’re so in love after so many years. How is that possible? It’s because they never ever took each other for granted. They never stopped telling each other how beautiful and loved they were. And they definitely never stopped kissing.

Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.

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