Is It OK to Write Your Fiancé’s Vows for Them?

Here's what to do when your S.O. is having writer's block

Updated 07/09/18

Photo by Evan Hopman

One of the most intimate and tearjerking parts of any wedding is the reading of the vows. The art of reading your vows in front of a group of your nearest and dearest family members and friend, is a part of your wedding that will be forever memorable for those in attendance, but especially for you and the person you’re marrying.

When it comes to figuring out what to include in your vows, you might find that either you or your partner are inflicted with writer’s block, and may be finding it a great deal harder than usual to pen the words in your heart. You might even find yourself a bit nervous that your partner won’t take writing vows seriously and instead, either make them very short or very inappropriate, filling the page with what feels like a comedy skit.

So is it okay to write your fiancé’s vows in order to make sure they are exactly how you want them to be? The simple answer is no. Instead of stealing their pen and paper, use these four suggestions to make sure you’re not caught off guard or disappointed during the wedding ceremony.

Give Guidance

Writing vows can be a tough thing to do especially if the person writing them doesn't take to writing (or public speaking) naturally. When you get the urge to write them for your partner, instead, share some guidance. You can explain that your vows are two minutes long, should include specific promises, and have a selection of your favorite memories as a couple. Sharing that information will help your fiancé understand what the structure of their vows should be, so that they don’t show up with vows that are two sentences long.

Ask a Friend for Help

Enlist a trusted friend who can help your fiancé write their vows. Pick someone who knows both of you well and who either likes to write or has been to enough weddings that they can practically recall in their sleep the structure of how vows are written. After they are written, you can have the friend read your vows and your fiancé’s vows to make sure they are equal in length, not repetitive, and don’t include anything that the other person would be offended by.

Show Lots of Examples

Do some research for your fiancé. Provide them with sample vows that you found on the Internet or that you heard another friend of yours give. Having examples in front of you always helps make the writing process easier, especially if you’re nervous about what your fiancé will come up with. Choose examples that are similar in structure and length so that you give your partner a good consistent benchmark for what you’re hoping they write.

Consider Ditching Vows

If your fiancé is making it obvious that they either have no interest in writing their own vows or that they are possibly not going to take them seriously, you might want to either ditch having vows in your ceremony or read traditional ones that are the same for both of you. If you’ve already written your vows and are okay with not saying personalized vows during the ceremony, you don’t have to rip up the ones you wrote. Put those vows in a card that you give your fiancé before the ceremony starts.

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