Bringing sex toys into the bedroom may sound a bit daunting. Everyone has an ego—no one wants to make their husband or wife feel inadequate, threatened, or uncomfortable. We get it, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Sex toys are pleasure enhancers, many of which are not at all scary.
Married sex does not have to mean boring sex. In fact, being with someone you love and trust only makes the possibility for sexual exploration that much more reachable. You’re not going to let some random person you met at a bar try a new sex toy on you—your husband or wife, on the other hand, is the person you feel most comfortable with.
If you’re looking to be a bit more exploratory with your sex life, sex toys are an excellent place to start. Here is the ultimate guide to introducing toys into the bedroom, so that you and your partner can take your passion to greater (even orgasmic) heights.
Make the Conversation About Both of You
First things first, you have to talk about trying sex toys. You can’t just whip out a dildo and hope for the best.
Don’t make the conversation one sided. This isn’t about your being dissatisfied with your sex life and it isn’t about your partner’s shortcomings in the bedroom. You need to approach the conversation with an open mind and empathy.
If you make the focus of your conversation on what your sex life is lacking, your partner’s automatic reaction is going to be defensive. Instead of saying, “I need this because I’m not having orgasms.” Try, “I’d really love to try this with you because I think it would be really hot if you used a vibrator on me.”
This is not the blame game. It’s about taking an already wonderful sex life to the next level. Making the discussion light and fun in favor of awkward and nerve-wracking will leave your partner much more inclined to experiment.
Focus on the Exploration
When you’re having a conversation about the possibility of using sex toys, make the focus of that conversation on the exploration and journey you’re taking together. Don’t drop stats and facts. Make it a sexy thing that you want to try with your partner because it turns you on.
Tell your partner about all the trust we mentioned before. Trying a sex toy isn’t about making up for what’s missing, but instead adding fire with someone you already love and adore.
It’s amazing that you feel so comfortable with your partner and you want to try some new, kinky things in bed. Keep the conversation playful. After all, sex toys aren’t all hot wax and ball gags.
Pick the Right Gear
There are many chic online boutiques that sell sex toys. Buying pleasure products no longer means going into a seedy store with plexiglass windows. Companies such as The Pleasure Chest and Babeland are female-founded stores that make the shopping experience comfortable and fun.
One of the most important parts of this whole experience is picking toys that work for both partners. You probbbbably do not want to bring out a seven-inch, flesh-colored dildo the first time you try introducing sex toys...or maybe you do (in which case, go you)!
Start with a small vibrator. It’s a fabulous (non-scary) entry point. Remember, if you freak your partner out, he or she isn’t going to feel comfortable trying this again. The last thing you want is to have the fun stop before it’s even gotten started. The more apprehensive your partner, the more gently you need to ease into sex toys.
Luckily, there are plenty of amazing, non-threatening toys on the market for beginners. Fin from Dame Products is a small, innocuous vibrator that attaches to your hand, mimicking the exact movement of your fingers. You’ll forget it’s even there (in the best way possible).
Another great option, the Mini from Ovo. It’s small, pink, and silent. The key is to stay away from toys that are too large or phallic. You can work up to them, but to start, you should stay simple and if possible, adorable.
Using sex toys is a wonderful, sex addition to any bedroom routine. With the right mix of communication and easy-to-use sex toys, you can take your sex life to the new heights you always dreamed of.
Perhaps some light bondage could be next?
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in NYC. Her work has appeared in Elle, Teen Vogue, Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire, and Bustle.