Thinking about trying some BDSM and/or kink? Been watching some seriously steamy dom scenes on RedTube lately? Trying to figure out how to have that conversation with your husband or wife?
Kink is not just for those who dwell in dungeons or sex clubs. Kinky sex is becoming very mainstream (thanks, Fifty Shades). It’s about exploring your boundaries and levels of control, not torture and misery.
These practices (whether you’re interested in bondage, sadism, dominance, discipline, masochism, or a bit of all) take trust and respect. Who better to give it a go than a happily married couple?
We’re not saying you need to pour hot wax on your partner and burn their skin off (if you don’t want to), but who says a little handcuff and blindfold play can’t be fun?
Kink is amazing for couples, but no one wants to be judged or have their partner think that they’re insane for wanting to try some out-of-the-box sex stuff. Just remember, your partner loves you unconditionally and if you want to try something new, we’re sure they’ll be open to discussing it. Here is how to talk to your partner about trying kink.
Focus on trust.
You’re not going to let some random guy or girl from your spin class tie you up and tease your nipples with clamps (probably). Wouldn’t it be better to do those things with someone you know would never hurt you?
Instead of sitting your partner down and declaring you want to make your own Fifty Shades-style Red Room of Pain, focus the conversation on the trust that this kind of scene involves. It isn’t about scaring your partner or pushing them into sexual realms they aren’t comfortable with, it’s about a journey they are taking with you—the person they love and are married to. Kink is not a terrifying dark thing, it’s a beautiful expression of sexual freedom.
Make it about living out a fantasy—together.
Tell your husband or wife how sexy it would be if one of you were tied up. It’s hot.
Obviously this is something you’re really interested in trying and that’s fabulous. Yet, you have to remember that this experience is not just about you, but your experience with your partner.
When you have the conversation about trying kink, make it about the two of you. It’s something you’re trying together. You’re completely equal parts and both want each other to have a positive experience. When you make it less about “you” and more about “us,” your husband or wife will be more inclined to get on board.
Start slow and simple.
You don’t need to whip out a leather corset, a flogger, a sex swing, and a gigantic butt plug right away (unless you want to, in which case, that’s rad).
With some light BDSM and kink, you can begin with really simple acts and work yourself up to the more intense play gradually. Your partner might be new to this fantasy—you don’t need to run before you walk and risk him or her not wanting to try it again.
When in doubt, get some basic velcro handcuffs and use a tee-shirt as a blindfold. You don’t have to buy any intense, expensive gear, and you don’t need to build a closet dungeon in your bedroom. You can use things from around the house; think: a tie as a rope, a wooden spoon as a paddle, or an ice cube to tease nipples.
You can even experiment with some spanking. Feel free to try the sexier, dirtier stuff, just make sure both of you are ready for that step.
Discuss boundaries beforehand.
Another important thing to cover is your boundaries. Don’t get freaked out by the word boundaries. It’s not as scary as you think. It’s about opening the lines of communication and clearly mapping out the kinky, sexy experience that both you and your husband or wife want to have.
If you want to try anal play, but your partner isn’t into it, you need to know beforehand. If he or she wants to spank you and you’re NOT down, you have the opportunity to make that clear. In BDSM and kink, you do have the potential to cross a line if you don’t expressly understand what each of you want out of the experience.
Kink is a surprisingly easy way to build up your communication skills with your partner because when it comes to sexual forays outside of your everyday experience, you have no choice but to talk about it.
Always have a safe word!
Don’t forget to choose a safe word (something one of you says when they are reaching their breaking point). It lets you or your partner know that the limit has arrived and you’d like them to stop what you’re doing. Again, it’s all about communication.
Pick something that doesn’t have a sexual connotation. In a scene that involves some masochism, or if you’re role playing, the word “No” might be one you’d use while in character. Pick something neutral, like cupcake or sailboat.
Remember: This is supposed to be fun.
At the end of the day, this experience should be fun. No one wants to walk away feeling awkward or uncomfortable. Kink is not about hurting your partner or being hurt yourself. It’s about opening up doors to new frontiers of sexual exploration.
At its heart, kinky sex is a game. You have a chance to be someone you’re not and do things you might not try otherwise. It’s OK to laugh and it’s OK to be silly. Enjoy yourself!
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in NYC. Her work has appeared on Elle, Teen Vogue, Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire, AskMen, and Bustle.