It’s the holidays and that can only mean one thing: presents. OK, maybe one OTHER thing: Traveling on a whole lot of airplanes to see a bunch of relatives who drive you slightly insane.
If you’re going to suffer through airport security, the nosy TSA, and massive transit lines, the least you can do is have a little fun. You guessed it: The Mile High Club.
The obstacles before you: Flight attendants who more than aware of your wild antics. This isn’t their first rodeo. And small, enclosed spaces. Airplane bathrooms may be hot in porn, but they are not exactly the sexiest places on earth when two fully grown adults are crammed inside IRL.
Still, we must persist for the sake of pleasure and to deflect from the monotony of hellish travel. Here are 6 of our best tips for pulling off airplane sex. Wishing holiday cheer to you and yours.
Time your rendezvous.
If you’re going to pull off mid-flight coitus, timing really is everything. If you get up at the same time, people will know you’re doing something uncouth.
The perfect time-break is about three to six minutes. That way you’re signaling to other passengers that you may just need to use the bathroom too. You don’t want to wait too long because then it looks like your partner has disappeared for a strangely long duration—and is probably waiting for you.
Better still if you’re on a redeye. You want to steer clear of times when the flight attendants can see what you’re doing.
Don’t be sketchy.
(Also a good rule to follow in life in general.) Don’t act like a sneaky pair of idiots. Whispering and conspiring while the flight attendants and your fellow passengers are right there is super obvious. Everyone will know that you’re up to something.
Play it cool. Keep it light on the PDA. Have a plan in place wherein you signal to your partner that they should meet you in the bathroom in five minutes. Use a modified safe word, “OK don’t start the movie until I’m back.”
Side note: Don’t give your partner a hand job or clit massage under a blanket. Everyone knows what you are doing and you will end up on one of those “airplane crazy people” Tumblr pages.
Your comfiest jeans or sexiest pencil skirt might sound like a good idea. They do make your butt look incredible and you are trying to be sexy for the MHC. The problem is that they aren’t functional.
Opt for a long, flowy skirt or stretchy sweatpants. You want to be able to pull your clothes on and off with relative ease. Remember that the airplane lavatory is cramped as hell.
Keep it quiet.
The airplane sex scenes in porn are filmed in studios; the airplane bathroom is not a studio. The walls are paper thin. Now is not the time to moan and scream. Keep it as quiet as possible. It’s great practice for when you’re at your in-laws house in a few hours.
Simple positions are best
Don’t try to sit on the airplane bathroom sink. It is very small and you will not be comfortable. Instead, close the toilet seat and give and/or receive oral sex.
The best position for airplane sex is standing doggy. Kneel on the lid of the closed toilet seat and have your partner enter you from behind. This is about the experience, not the performance. Save the crazy Kama Sutra moves for when you get home after the New Year.
If you get caught, feign illness
Now, if you get caught, you have to be ready. Immediately stop having sex and switch to a different, far less fun role play: puking.
Pretend either you or your partner is throwing up. Make lots of puking sounds. Have your partner come out of the bathroom while you stay inside and ask the flight attendant for Alka Seltzer or Pepto. You have to distract as much as possible and make it appear that you are just a concerned husband or wife.
It may sound dramatic, but if they find out you were having sex in the bathroom, we’re pretty sure that’s going on your permanent record.