How to Help Your Partner Figure Out What Gets You Off

We all need a little guidance, right?

Updated 09/19/17

Phil Chester

Figuring out what gives you an orgasm is a very liberating experience for a woman. Many of us remember that fateful day that we discovered the power of the clitoris that changed our lives forever. Ah, memories.

Orgasming alone is one thing, but doing it with a partner is a totally different game. Knowing what you like is often easier than automatically understanding what your partner likes.

But maybe you don’t want to straight up say, “Touch me here and not there,” or “Do it like this, at this speed?” That’s OK too. We get it...these things can feel awkward. There are more nuanced ways you can let your partner know what’s working for you.

Allowing your body do the talking is helpful in the beginning of a relationship when you haven’t yet cultivated the trust you need to voice your needs and desires. It is also great in long-term relationships when a certain touch or toy isn’t getting you off like it used to.

Our bodies are complicated machines and what makes them feel good can change over time. Or maybe your partner has never quite gotten to your hot spots and needs a little guidance? Whatever the situation, here is how to help your partner figure out what gets you off.

Gently move your partner’s hand/mouth

Emphasis on gentle. If you want to show your partner exactly how you like to be touched, you don’t need to aggressively shove their hand in the right direction. Gingerly reach down and guide your partner’s hand into place.

You want to lend a helping hand rather than give the impression that your partner doesn’t know what he or she is doing (even if that is the case).

Place your hand over their hand and maneuver them into the right motion, pressure, and speed. He or she will get the message.

Lean into what feels good

You can talk with more than just your mouth. When something feels good, lean into it, literally. If your partner is going down on you and hits the right place, tilt your hips forward. This will let your partner know that what they’re doing is working for you.

If he or she is touching you the way you want, grab his or her shoulder, butt, back (or whatever body part is closest) and bear down to signal pleasure. You want to send silent messages that say, “I am so into this. Don’t stop.”

Make a little noise

This isn’t a library—make some noise! Get into it! When your partner is doing the right things, make sure you vocalize. Get a little louder as he or she gets closer to the right spots and then make it very clear when they’ve hit the target.

You don’t have to go crazy and fake some porn-star level moaning, but vocal encouragement is a fantastic way to get what you need to orgasm.

Of course, this also means quieting down if what your partner is doing doesn’t work for you. Don’t moan if it’s not working. Do not, I repeat, do not fake an orgasm. This sends the wrong signals and ensures that your partner will keep doing the wrong stuff.

Going dead silent sends a rapid-fire message that what your partner is doing is a Simon Cowell-level, “No.”

Bring up the high points later

Be sure to tell your partner what worked for you during your last sex session. Bringing things up during sex can get lost in translation; it’s better to take those conversations outside of the bedroom. Over a dinner at home try, “You know the other night when you were doing [insert X thing]? I really loved that. It was so sexy.”

You want to really hammer in the things that you enjoyed so your partner can take mental notes and repeat the same moves next time. Be open to his or her feedback as well. The more you learn about each other’s bodies and the more you communicate, the better the sex will be.

Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in NYC. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.

Related Stories