People are obsessed with beach sex. It is widely touted as this major blockbuster romance thing we’re all meant to strive for. If you’re on a beach vacation (hello, honeymoon), you must be banging in the sand, according to pop culture.
There is a sex scene on a beach in about 9 million movies, there’s a cocktail called “Sex on the Beach” (which is delicious, by the way), and, we're guessing, about 22 billion articles on the internet about how to successfully have beach sex.
So, why has no one mastered beach sex yet? Why are we still talking about it? Oh, right. Because it isn’t fun.
As anyone who has ever had sex on a beach will tell you, it is not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, having beach sex is actually pretty gross. And sandy. Sandy in all the wrong places, you know? It gets EVERYWHERE. Seriously, everywhere.
That being said, the imagined ambience and steaminess of sex on the beach can be created without the beach. Here’s how to have beach sex, without the discomforts of the actual beach involved.
Make some tropical cocktails
Who doesn’t love a cold cocktail on the beach at sunset? Grab your blender and a bottle of Pirate Bay—those piña coladas aren't going to mix themselves! A tropical cocktail automatically brings back memories of the beach. It will help you and your partner get in the mood.
Since this is an artificial beach scenario, it can make you feel a bit silly to play pretend. That’s OK. Lean into it. Maybe even add a little Bob Marley into the mix! Enjoy your drinks and get ready to get busy.
Spread out a big towel
The foundation is the first step to creating the scene. If you’re going to have sex on the beach, it’s likely going to be on your towel. Grab your vacation towels, and just like that you have a fake beach setup. Spread out a big beach towel either on the bed or on a carpeted area of floor and get to it!
We don’t ever recommend sex in the ocean as it can cause a vaginal infection. Not sexy. Best of all, the make-believe scenarios are vagina-safe.
Have a sun-chair? Put it next to the towel. You can spritz the towel with some tropical scented body spray if you’re feeling extra creative. Or how about rubbing some of that virgin coconut oil on yourself (or better yet, all over each other)—it smells good, tastes great, and can be used as an all-natural lube.
Turn on the sound machine
One of the things that makes sex on the beach hot is the ocean and all its beautiful sounds. It’s relaxing and sexy. It turns on that whole “vacation mindset” that is essential for beach sex.
You don’t even need a real sound machine. Spotify has plenty of beach sounds playlists that mimic the real thing. Ocean waves and crashing surf can surround you without a real ocean—it is 2018, after all. Plus, you don’t want real seagulls anywhere near you when you’re having sex, but their distant call can be quite nice.
Create the scents
The beach has many smells. Some are truly vile: Bird poop, trash, seaweed, etc. These are not the ones we want. When it comes to beach sex, you want coconut, tanning oil, fresh surf, and sliced pineapple.
There are a variety of ways you can bring the best beach scents to your bedroom. Check out your local Target or drugstore and see what sorts of candles they have available. You can almost always find one that smells like suntan lotion (usually a no-go, but perfect for this occasion).
You can also dab a little sunscreen on your body. This gives you that beachy feel and smell, without all the sand sticking to your body.
Put on your hottest swimsuit
You’re not at the beach, but who says you can’t throw on a bathing suit? It’s basically a role play scene with alternative lingerie. Live your best life.
What’s more, don’t we all have one swimsuit we look amazing in, but wouldn’t actually wear in public? You know, the one where one wrong move results in a major nip-slip situation? Now is the time to make use of that bathing suit. It’s just going to come off, anyway!
Open a window
The ocean air is one of a kind, but you can always get a nice cross breeze going in your bedroom to allude to the same skin-tickling aura. We’ll admit it’s not quite as refreshing, but you’re safe from the gross beach. We call that a win.
If it’s wintertime, turn on a fan and put it on the “breeze” setting. It will move back and forth over you and your partner just like the calm winds on a real beach vacation.