Married, But Crushing On Another Man? How Real Women Handled It

Being married doesn't suddenly turn you blind

Updated 12/23/16

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Being married to the love of your life doesn't mean you stop noticing other men. It also doesn't mean you don't need to give in to temptation! Here, eight women reveal how they handled crushing on another man — without ruining their marriage.

"Like many of my particular generation, I developed a massive crush on Colin Firth. My husband and I have an agreement: should the opportunity arise that either Colin Firth makes a pass at me or Scarlett Johansson make a pass at him, we are allowed to take them up on it. I was lucky enough back in the days when I hosted a talk show on public radio to actually interview Colin. Alas, no pass." —Kitty

"I was married barely a year when I developed a massive crush on a new co-worker. The crush was a signal to me that my husband and I had stopped trying to make things exciting. So I channeled my lust where it belonged — suggesting to Dan that we start role playing, make plans to go for a romantic weekend, and plan passionate surprises. He was game!" —Sara

"I talked to my mom about my crush. She and dad have been married 45 years. She told me getting crushes is normal — not the end of anything. I should simply ignore it and let the feelings pass. That's what I did, and it did indeed pass." —Tara

"I have a great sex life with my husband, so when I started crushing on this other guy I realized it wasn't about my relationship but because other parts of my life weren't fulfilling. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to look for a job that would challenge me instead of just coasting in my career." —Barb

"I went home and joked to my husband about it. And he joked to me about someone he had a crush on. And that defused everything. Being able to treat lustful feelings toward someone else like a goof is healthy and non-threatening." —Darryl

"After four years of marriage, I developed a very intense crush on someone I was working with on a local election. We'd been hanging out a lot together — coffee, a few drinks that led to some flirting, which led to some vivid fantasies! I took this as a danger sign, and told him that I felt it was better to keep our relationship strictly about the campaign. He is married too and agreed with me it's better not to tempt fate. Within a few weeks the butterflies settled down and things went back to normal." —Linda

"Initially I was upset when seemingly out of the blue I developed this hot-and-heavy crush, but quickly realized it wasn't about the object of my lust at all. It was a distraction from the sorrow I felt over my mother's cancer diagnosis. So I didn't take it seriously, and it subsided. But I did talk to my husband about the two of us making time for some fun things to do together so that our life didn't become solely about tragedy." —Em

"I adore my husband and deeply value our marriage, but well — he doesn't look like Brad Pitt. Not that I look like a supermodel! So I do occasionally get the hots for some random really hot guy. And then I'll fantasize about said hot guy while my honey and I have sex. And then the crush fades, and all is good!" —Elsie

Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW is a New York City-based marriage therapist and author.

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