Faking orgasms is a trial many women deal with. So much so, it feels almost universal. (I know I’ve faked plenty of orgasms in my day.) And once you start faking it, it’s hard to stop.
Remember that scene from Sex and the City when Miranda runs into a guy she used to sleep with on the running trail?
“Who was that?” Carrie asks.
“Oh. Just someone I used to fake orgasms with,” she replies.
She then goes on to explain that she slept with him and realized it wasn’t going to happen, so she faked it to get the sex over with. The next time she slept with him, she had to fake it because she’d faked it the first time—a story all too familiar.
The way to get out of faking it is through calculated honesty. You have to talk about it in a way that is both straightforward and empathetic to your partner’s needs. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but, gosh dangit, you deserve to have an orgasm.
Here is how you stop faking it so you and your partner can have the sex life you’ve always fantasized about.
Why so many women feel the need to fake it.
Here's the brutal truth: Most of us aren’t taught what a clitoris is in school (even in those institutions with the most progressive of sex-ed classes), leaving many of us with porn as our main form of sex education. Not to knock porn, as it is highly entertaining, but there is little (if any) attention paid to the clitoris. There is also an absence of lube, something many of us need to have great sex. There are many other issues with using porn as a frame for real-life sex, but that is an article for another day.
When you’re not taught how your body works (i.e:., how to touch a clit), it’s easy to fall into step with your partner, pretending to come from jackhammer sex while you’re really just waiting for this to be over. Depressing, right?
On top of that, we don’t know how to ask for what we want. Men are taught to be straightforward about their needs, but women are taught to be more coy. We aren’t comfortable in our skin because we don’t know how we want to be touched and because we aren’t confident enough to ask for it.
Cautious honesty is the best approach.
I’m all for being honest with your partner, but you don’t need to break his or her heart by saying, “I’ve never come with you. You don’t know what you’re doing or where the clitoris is.”
That may sound empowered and radical, but you’re not going to wind up with more orgasms using this tactic. Would you be turned on by someone who said this to you? No.
Start by weaning yourself off the fake coming noises. That probably isn’t how you come in real life, is it? That porn-star bravado is exhausting. You don’t have to be completely silent, but make a lot of noise only if it really does feel good. Use your vocal cues to guide your partner to the right hot spots. Then, go further with your instruction.
Sit down with your partner and suggest exploring each other’s bodies. Let him or her know you need special attention paid to your clitoris to get to new heights. Guide his or her hand to your clitoris and move it in a way that gives you pleasure.
You can tell your partner this will help you orgasm, but to say he or she sucks in bed and can’t make you come is only going to cause defensiveness. Instead of being harsh, guide your partner gently.
Bring in some toys.
Get yourself some sex toys. Two out of three women require clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. So, be sure you’re doing everything you need to in order to get there.
A couple’s sex toy is specially designed to be used during sex, and your partner shouldn’t be intimidated by having a helping hand. Many male-bodied people think their penis should be enough. This is a symptom of toxic masculinity and having no idea how the female body works.
Start by choosing a toy that is nonthreatening, small, and a neutral color. You can even get a cock ring with a clit stimulator (if your partner has a cock, or you’re using a dildo). This way, you can grind against it to get that needed action while having sex.
Make it about trying something new and kinky rather than your intense need to actually have a real orgasm.
Outercourse over intercourse.
Choose some porn you actually enjoy that shows real clit stimulation and body types. Yes, it does exist! Try Erika Lust, TrenchCoat Ex, or Lady Cheeky for porn you can get into and not be scared by.
Spend some time engaging in foreplay. Try some tantric sex positions (we’ve got a guide right here) or give each other a long massage.
Instead of going straight to intercourse, make the entire sexual game about outercourse. Dr. Ian Kerner suggests that calling it outercourse instead of intercourse takes the pressure off getting to sex and lets you explore your pleasure in new, unique ways.
Touch each other, touch yourselves, and watch what each of you enjoys. Life is too short to fake orgasms! No relationship is so far gone that you have to continue faking it for the rest of your life.
Make seeking your orgasm an adventure the two of you can have together. Sex is a practice that should be done regularly. If something isn’t working for you, suggest alternatives. Remember, your partner doesn’t know you’re faking it, so he or she needs your help. Ultimately, your orgasm is in your hands (literally).