You’ve been married or together for a while and are beginning to find your sex life is either lackluster, sparse, or essentially nonexistent at the moment. It’s a sex rut, and we have all been there.
Once we’re settled into long-term relationships, our brains stop being flooded with those neurochemicals of first-date lust. You find yourself in a lull of comfortable commitment. But keep in mind, while commitment isn’t as uneasy or electric as those first few months of dating, “commitment” and “boring” are not synonymous.
Long-term relationships and marriages can yield some of the hottest sex of your life. Seriously. If you’ve found yourself in a sex rut, here are five ways to get yourself out.
1. Set aside a whole day for play (and make it habitual).
One of the reasons many of us find our sex lives lacking is because we forget to devote time to seduction and play.
This may seem like a big ask, but when was the last time you spent a whole weekend afternoon in bed with your spouse? Probably when you first started dating, right? No matter how busy you are, you can definitely spare a Saturday for sexy time.
Take the day to just enjoy each other. Take a bath together, kiss each other head to toe, and allow yourself to simply BE together. Taking time to enjoy your partner can be a huge refresher for your sex life. It will feel like you’ve just started dating again.
2. Take orgasming off the table.
Don’t focus your play on orgasm. Rushing to the finish line does not an adventurous or exciting sex life make. Instead, focus on sensation. Spend plenty of time on all things non-intercourse; touch and massage one another or lean into oral or hand sex.
Breathe deeply into your body, and focus on everything you’re feeling. Sometimes a rut is centered around a mind-body disconnect. This can make sex feel stagnant and send your libido crashing down. Bringing attention back to your senses will help to reignite the fire.
3. Make a sexual bucket list.
Talking about what you want in the bedroom can be a little intimidating, especially if you’ve been feeling like the sexual energy is waning. Suggest making a sexual bucket list with your partner.
Each one of you writes down five things you want to try in bed. It can be a new sex move, a role play fantasy, a sexy erotica scene you want to act out, etc. Then, switch lists. This will give you both fodder for new sexual adventures and open the doors for sexual communication.
4. Watch porn together.
If you haven’t watched porn together (or on your own, ever), now is an amazing time to start. You might have an aversion to porn; a lot of the stuff you find for free on the internet is quite cringe-y.
Luckily, there are amazing feminist porn sites out there that have female-focused content. (Check out this list.) Watching porn together is an awesome way to find new fantasy material and to share your sexual interests with your partner. Let it lead to mutual masturbation and see the sparks fly.
Also, remember, it’s just a fantasy. You don’t have to actually DO anything you see in porn (unless you want to).
5. Buy a new sex toy.
Introducing a sex toy into the bedroom brings new life to your sexual experiences. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to try something new and a little naughty.
You can either go shopping with your partner, or surprise them with the toy as a gift. We recommend sticking with something small and non-phallic like the Pom from Dame Products or Squish from Unbound.
If you’re curious about how to introduce a sex toy into the bedroom, check out this guide. Lots of people get intimidated by sex toys, but they really shouldn’t! Sex toys are TOYS. They’re additions to make sex even more enjoyable.