I'm a gay woman who can't really get off from vaginal penetration, but I like anal penetration. Some partners might have been surprised, but most have being willing to penetrate me anally.
Now I'm dating a new woman who's nine years older than me, and she's having a hard time wrapping her mind around my request. She says she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to hurt me, but I keep telling her I've already done it and can walk her through it.
I'd hate for this to be the end of our relationship. Can I do anything to reassure her that I'll be OK and even enjoy it?
Here’s the thing about anal: While a lot of women—and I mean a lot—get serious pleasure from it, it can still be a little bit scary for those who’ve never tried it before. We all know that anal sex has gotten a bad rap in the past, including tales of pain and discomfort. Your girlfriend is probably under the impression that anal penetration isn’t something that feels good, so why on earth would she want to do it to you? Even your offer to walk her through it, while very sweet, could still be a little daunting, so communication is going to be key in this situation.
Communication is lubrication...As with anything new in the bedroom, it’s super important to talk about anal sex before you try it. Even more so in this situation, since there are definite steps that need to be taken to ensure the best experience possible. I would begin by reiterating the fact that anal sex is something you really enjoy and brings you to orgasm. Communicate the pleasurable aspects about anal penetration—how good it feels, why it turns you on—and continually assure her that anal sex does not hurt you, but quite the opposite. It might take some time, but the more you inform her about the pleasure it brings you, the more comfortable she’ll be in return.
Just be sure you are listening to her just as much as you hope she is to you, because pushing someone too far too fast will only cause backfire on your back door endeavors.
...but don’t forget the real lube, either!
One of the most important factors of pleasurable anal sex is lubrication. Having the right lube (and plenty of it) can really make or break the entire experience. The anal canal doesn’t produce any natural sort of lubrication like the vagina does, so penetration is bound for a dry entry unless you take matters in your own very lubricated hands. System JO has an amazing line of anal lubricants—the JO PREMIUM ANAL line—which was created specifically with the anally oriented in mind.
Start slow (and small).
Before you have your girlfriend jump straight into a strap-on, first try using a butt plug, like the G-plug, or fingers during intercourse. Although it might feel the best for you, a strap-on can be super intimidating for someone who’s never tried anal penetration before. Starting off slow with fingers or a toy will show her how much pleasure it brings you without being overbearing.
Cleanliness can boost her confidence.
We’ve been taught from a young age that someone’s behind and everything that goes with it is a dirty and off-limits part of the body, so it's no wonder some people still find the idea of anal sex less than inviting. Part of your girlfriend’s fear of trying anal could very well be rooted in the idea that it’s an “unclean” experience, so showering together beforehand isn’t just a great foreplay option, but something that could put her mind at ease when it comes to the cleanliness of your sexy time.
As long as you take things slow and let your partner explore the world of anal sex at her own pace, she could very likely be excited to board the booty train before you know it.
Emily Morse is a doctor of human sexuality and host of the top-rated iTunes podcast Sex With Emily. As an expert, author, and star of television and radio programs, she has inspired millions of listeners and followers to make sex a priority, enhance communication, and strengthen their relationships. To learn more or to subscribe to her podcast, visit sexwithemily.com.
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