Welcome to Sexual Healing, a new monthly column where sexologist Anka Radakovich dives deep into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a line (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) at email@example.com.
How can I have more orgasms? It seems that I have one to my husband's three. Sometimes I'm almost there, but then I either get too anxious, or move slightly and it interrupts the flow. Any suggestions?
Dear Ms. O-Equality,
You should be having as many as he’s having. The more pleasure you have, the closer you will both become. There are several things you can do to even the score. Start with the easiest, when you’re feeling the laziest...
Taking in long, slow, deep breathes will result in a more relaxing, powerful orgasm (or two). Deep breathing will not only reduce your anxiety and stress, but will be calming as well as energizing. Plus it can be done anywhere; nobody has to know you’re practicing “orgasmic breathing” while standing in line at the store.
First, exhale through your mouth and make a “whoosh” sound. Then close your mouth and inhale slowly through your nose and count to five. Hold your breath for another five. Exhale through your mouth and do the whoosh again. It will get easier and become more effective the more you do it.
When you feel like you are approaching an orgasm, take a deep breath and “breathe into” the orgasm, which won’t interrupt the flow but will continue it. It is similar to breathing into a yoga position. Practice by yourself then do it the next time you do the deed.
Rub or be rubbed
Whether or not you have an orgasm comes down to one thing: your clitoris, a.k.a “the happy button," which just wants to be rubbed. Orgasms are not going to magically happen through penetration alone.
A recent study from The Kinsey Institute not only revealed that women need more clitoral stimulation, but revealed how women really liked their hoo-ha’s be touched to bring on an orgasm.
Researchers asked 1,055 women what specific strokes they like and 63% said they liked "up and down" motions, 51% said they preferred "circular" touch, and 30% liked "side-to-side." Only 18.4% reported that intercourse alone induced orgasm, a statistic that should convince women that their their lovers need to use their fingers and tongues more on their lady business. (For complete findings from this study—which are legit amazing—read more here.)
Try having him start with a light touch on your clitoris, moving to more of a medium pressure. Tell him to switch between a softer touch and a more intense one. Have him warm you up with indirect clitoral stimulation by rubbing around the clitoris without touching it, building up the sexual tension.
Then have him increase the pressure of the touch as you get more aroused. Instead of immediately moving into intercourse, take a few minutes and have him get busy on your "little lady of pleasure.” See if he can keep the momentum up with fingers and tongue to give you an orgasm, before he goes and pulls out his man bone. Men love watching a woman have an orgasm, so there’s something in it for him, and ultimately for you.
Study your hot spots
Men can barely find the clitoris, so finding your G-spot could be an educational experience for him. It’s the walnut shaped gland underneath the upper part of your vagina that you can feel with your finger. Him rubbing that while he is either fingering you or going down on you can help induce an orgasm. There are also g-spot vibrators to try if you want to practice, and/or let the machine do some of the work.
And finally, there is also the idea of the “bigasm” which is rubbing more than one “moan zone” at a time. The “trigasm,” is a term coined by Sex Therapist Dr. Ava Cadell, who recommends rubbing more than one “hot spot” at the same time. For example, have him rub your nipples, your G-spot, and your clitoris simultaneously for double the fun pleasure and a more intense orgasm. The “trigasm” involves having your clitoris, your G-spot, and your anus rubbed for a triple the amazing orgasm.
Dr. Cadell’s new Loveology University features educational and fun online sex courses for couples that you can watch together and and become sex class “graduates”. After taking a few of these together, you could soon be calling him your “orgasm donor.” Better sex happens with sex education. Loveology’s “How To Please A Woman” course, “The G-spot” course, and “The Big O” course, will teach you “everything you’d ever want to know about orgasms.” Learning more about them will give you bigger, better, and more outrageous orgasms.
Anka Radakovich is a Certified Sexologist, Sex Educator, Author, Screenwriter, and Ph.D. Candidate in Sex Therapy. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad