Welcome to Sexual Healing, a new monthly column where sexologist Anka Radakovich dives deep into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a line (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) at firstname.lastname@example.org.
My husband wants to try anal sex with me as the receiver. I'm neutral but willing to try anything once! How do I proceed?
Dear Mrs. BDV,
Anal sex can be an amazing thing. It can be an intimate, arousing thing to add to your sexual repertoire. And it can be surprisingly erotic. Many women are afraid to go there, because it sounds gross or seems like it might hurt. But “buttplay” can feel make you feel relaxed, add extra arousal, and heighten your orgasm.
If your backdoor is being stimulated while you are building up to a climax, your orgasm can go next level. And you'll want to go slow so you won’t be Googling “my butt hurts” at 3 in the morning.
If you are adventurous enough to penetrate the forbidden land of analsexville, a few simple steps can be your tour guide. And remember, at any point during any of this, you are free to say ”Stop,” “ I don’t want to do this anymore,” or “Get that thing outta my butt!” But the idea here is to try something new that can be surprisingly pleasurable.
From personal experience, the first time a guy wanted me to try anal sex I was all, “No, I’m really sensitive down there," and started asking, ”Will it give me a hemorrhoid?” and couldn’t stop making “Hershey Highway” jokes. But after I finally experienced it with someone I liked, I thought it was kind of sexy, bonding, and interesting.
And since Anusville is located around the corner from Clitoristown, when you're stimulating a couple of erogenous zones at once, they work together for the same goal of giving you an orgasm. A G-spot orgasm is more intense than just a clitoral orgasm, and a clitoral, G-spot, and an "A-spot” can be an AH-mazing thing. The butt is full of nerve endings, and “butt play” just outside of the butt (which means nobody is sticking anything up there yet), is a good way to start.
Step 1: Prepare
Whenever you are about to experience something new sexually, you want to prepare mentally and physically. People who practice extreme forms of sexual activity—such as people into BDSM—always prepare their minds and bodies for more extreme sexual activity so that nobody hurts the one they love.
Taking a shower is a must, and some people use a douche to clean out the poop shoot. Mentally, relax and tell yourself that it’s just (anal) sex. It’s really not a big deal. It's supposed to be fun and feel good. Then break out the lube.
Step 2: Go Slow
It is a big deal to go slow. You don’t want a surprise attack on your butt. Have your partner put a condom and some lube on their finger and lightly massage around the opening, while also fingering your clitoris. You might even get pleasantly aroused by the relaxing/exciting feeling. Lube is your friend here.
Step 3: Just Breathe
Have your partner spread your cheeks apart as you open up the sphincter muscles. Have your lover slowly press their finger in and open it up. Talk about how it feels and say so if feel like you need more lube. Breathe slowly and deeply, trying to consciously relax your anal muscles while slowing inhaling and exhaling. Have your partner rub your clitoris to build up your arousal at the same time.
Step 4: Try a Toy
Once you feel aroused, you may want to have more than a finger inserted. You might want to start with a small anal sex toy. Use lube and a condom and see how it feels. If he inserts his penis, tell him to go super slow, first only inserting the tip, and then slowly pushing it in. Now is the time for your partner to do the ‘ol reach around and rub your clitoris while entering you from behind. Take it easy and go super slow, concentrating on your orgasm as he thrusts in slow motion. Two things could happen here: you could stop right there and say you have tried anything once, or you could relax, keep going, and have your first “analgasm.”
Anka Radakovich is a certified sexologist, sex educator, author, screenwriter, and PhD candidate in sex therapy. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad