There is this scene in Juno when Ellen Page's character goes to a clinic and a very scary looking teenage girl offers her a boysenberry flavored condom. She says it makes her boyfriend’s “junk taste like pie” and then something about having intercourse. It’s an alarming interaction. We're all for using condoms to prevent STIs and pregnancy, but a boysenberry flavored condom?! Gag.
What we must assume, though the movie never does follow up with said scary looking teenage girl, that she wound up with a raging yeast infection. Why? Flavored lube.
This scene haunts our dreams. As Metro UK puts it so very eloquently, the abomination needs to stop and it needs to stop now. Using flavored lube during sexual intercourse (or cunnilingus) will ruin your life. OK, maybe not ruin it, but you will get an infection. If you give a blowjob using flavored lube, get your partner in the shower and wash up before having sex. You will be sorry if you don’t.
What’s actually in flavored lube?
Flavored lube has appeal, don’t get us wrong. Lube that tastes like cherries? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Except it really, really is not.
Flavored lubes are full of chemicals that are not good for your precious lady bits. Your vulva is one of the most absorbent parts of the body. It’s membrane soaks stuff up. You don’t want to put anything inside of it that isn’t healthy or pure.
The biggest culprits when it comes to flavored lube: sugar and glycerine. Even flavored lubes that claim to be “sugar-free” somehow manage to sneak “glycerine” into the ingredients. Glycerine and sugar are basically the exact same thing.
Why is glycerine so bad for your vag? Your vagina has a very precarious set of bacteria and yeast that flourish when your pH is balanced. It is a delicate ecosystem, one that you do not want to mess with. For the most part, a vagina will expel toxins, foreign substances, etc. But not always.
When you use flavored lubes, your vagina is exposed to that glycerine and sugar. Sugar feeds yeast. When you throw off the balance and the yeast begins to overgrow, you get a yeast infection.
Another fun thing that can happen with flavored lube: Bacterial vaginosis. Not fun.
On top of all of this delightfulness, most flavored lubes are sticky and will get into your pubic hair (yuck) and possibly stain your sheets.
When is flavored lube OK?
You can use flavored lubes for blow jobs. Not cunnilingus, for the reasons we’ve already listed. Flavored lubes have the potential to make giving blow jobs more pleasant. If you want to use some flavored lube to make YOUR partner’s junk taste like pie, be our guest.
You essentially turn your partner’s penis into a lollipop. If that is something you’re into, we’re not judging. This is the only appropriate use for flavored lube. Do not get it anywhere near your vagina. If you want a good flavored lube recommendation, we like Good Head by Doc Johnson.
No anal sex with flavored lube either. It’s another porous region. Don’t do it!
What to use instead
Get yourself a solid water-based or silicone lube. Now, this doesn’t mean you go shopping willy nilly at the drugstore. We’re not in the business of putting chemicals in our vaginas, remember? Flavored lubes are not the only culprit. Brands like KY Jelly are full of petro-chemicals, parabens and, you guessed it, glycerine.
When it comes to lube, it’s OK to be picky. Nay! It is encouraged.
There are straight up a million better options than using flavored lube. It may sound fun and flirty and cute. It’s not. Throw it in the trash. Burn it to the ground! No, don’t burn anything to the ground. That’s a bit dramatic. But, do throw it away. You don’t need your vulva to smell like a watermelon mojito to enjoy sex.