Trying to avoid embarrassing and awkward moments during sex is like trying to spend a day at the beach without getting sand all over your body: Impossible and wishful thinking.
The thing is, sex is super awkward. Do you have any idea how long it actually takes to shoot a whole porn movie? Spoiler: Those actors don’t simply go at it and hit the mark (literally and figuratively) every time.
If we have to be honest, the best sex is the sex that’s silly and awkward and funny and weird. If you can’t get through uncomfortable moments when your partner’s face is red and gross in that exerted position or pat each other on the back after a loud and sexy fart, what fun is there in having sex? Life is a delightfully weird freak-show.
Here are 6 hilariously awkward things that happen to everyone during sex.
Queefing up a storm
The number one thing we tend to see out in the ether is this indefinable fear of queefing. As if letting some air out of your vagina is going to cause every penis and clitoris in the world to go flaccid and numb.
Queefing happens when air is pushed out of the vagina as something enters it. Aka: A dildo, penis, fingers, etc. It happens to everyone! It is not a “vagina fart.” It is a normal and naturally occurring human experience.
The only reason we’re so afraid to queef is because men don’t queef and therefore have demonized and shamed us for it. Kind of like periods. Darling, it’s a queef parade and we are here for it.
Soaking the sheets
Hey, sometimes you’re really into oral sex, intercourse, or whatever kind of sexual play and things get wet. Like, really wet. Not your usual “moisture,” but straight up sheet-soaking flooding. This can happen due to squirting or simply because you’re extra turned on and the vaginal lubrication is on high.
It’s all normal! We ladies are caught between this strange world of needing to be “wet enough” but not “too wet.” According to our BS cultural narrative you’re not supposed to need lube, but also shouldn’t be dripping. All of this is ridiculous because there is no right or wrong level of wetness. It is not within your control. Soaking the sheets is hot. Embrace it.
Getting semen in your eye
This is going to happen whether you like having a partner come on your face or not. Somehow, someway, semen ends up in your eye at some point. Whether it be when you’re giving head, having someone come on your face/in your mouth, or on your tits; it happens.
AND IT BURNS. Getting semen in your eye might be worse than accidentally opening the Tobasco with too much force and squirting it into your eyeball. What is it with semen irritating eyes so much? It gets bloodshot, swollen, and takes the better part of a day to go away. It is seriously lacking chill.
There are about 9,000,000 ways things can go wrong during sex and this, of course, includes same-sex sex. Strap-ons are super fun and hot, but they come with their drawbacks. We’re sure there are too many different embarrassing scenarios to possibly cover in a paragraph, but we have out favorites.
Mainly: Slippage, chafing, and straight up bad-fits.
A strap-on can feel like part of your body, but it is a thing that was made for you to wear. Accidents and embarrassing incidents happen. Whether yours slid the wrong way, smacking your partner in the wrong place, or you wound up with some gnarly road rash, just know that a strap-on mishap is essentially part of the territory when you’re having strap-on sex.
Sex of any kind of basically one big embarrassing moment a lot of the time. Lighten up!
Farting in a compromising position
We have about zero control over when and where we fart. It just happens. Of course, it does sort of feel like it happens in the most inconvenient of circumstances. Or maybe that’s when we notice it?
Either way, we doubt you’re a stranger to doing it dirty in doggy style or cowgirl and suddenly you break wind. You know that meme of Chrissy Teigan laugh-smiling when John Legend was giving that one speech (does anyone even remember when that was?)?
Chrissy is all of us after farting during sex. Little bit awkward, little bit mortified, a lot wanting to die. The only thing you can do is acknowledge it and laugh it off. Sure, you can ignore it, but what happens when you do it again next time? And there will be a next time.
The only thing we can really think to say is: Welcome to being human, hunny. It’s going to be a wild ride.
Landing on a penis…incorrectly
Maybe you didn’t break the penis, or maybe you did. Either way, we have all gone in for a thrust and missed. Sometimes you wind up in a whole lot of pain, but most of the time it’s just awkward as hell.
Like, what do we do now? Keep going? I guess?
We’re expected to know everything about sex and be incredible lovers even though we’ve never been taught jack about sex. No wonder we land on things incorrectly from time to time. Seriously, when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’re not paying attention. Things fall out … and fall in in ways they should not.