If you think you should automatically know everything there is to know about sex, think again. Sex is learned. Good sex takes practice.
We know essentially nothing about sex because no one ever teaches us. It's not like you learn what a clitoris is in school. "Many people fear that asking questions about sex will lead to judgment or conflict with a partner, and no one wants to rock the boat," says Madeleine Castellanos, M.D, sex therapist and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive. "But getting married doesn't magically make you instantly proficient at all aspects of sex with your partner."
So, if you've got embarrassing sex questions you can't imagine asking your partner, let alone a professional, it's OK, because we've got the answers you're looking for.
1. My partner doesn't know how to give me an orgasm. How do I tell them?
Honesty is the best policy. This doesn't mean being unnecessarily harsh. You can communicate your needs without hurting anyone's feelings. It's very likely your partner doesn't know he or she isn't making you come. You're never going to get there by pretending nothing is wrong. If there is something he or she does that you particularly enjoy, ask them to do that thing. For instance, oral sex is an excellent way for a woman to have an orgasm.
If your partner doesn't know where your clitoris is: Firstly, we're sorry. Secondly, guide his or her hand to it while you're engaging in sexual play. Show them how you like to be touched. Ask them to keep doing what feels good for you. If you can take some time to focus entirely on your own body, you'll have a better chance of achieving orgasm.
Bring a toy into the bedroom. Vibrators are designed to assist you in having an orgasm. If you're worried about introducing your partner to sex toys, read this.
2. How often should I be having sex? How much is enough?
There is no right answer to this question. The easiest way to answer this to say that what constitutes "enough" is what works for your particular relationship.
Of course, quantity is not the only thing to take into consideration. Like many things in life, "it's not the quantity, but the quality of sex that counts," says Ava Cadell, certified love coach and author of Passion Power for Couples. "However, if he [or she] wants sex every day and you want it once a week, you should negotiate a win-win compromise that includes masturbation, foreplay, oral sex and intercourse."
It comes down to what satisfies the both of you. Making compromises is a part of being in a partnership.
3. Is it wrong for me to fantasize about things other than my partner?
You are absolutely not weird or a bad person for fantasizing about someone other than your partner.
That being said, it's not uncommon to feel shameful. "For many people, there is an underlying feeling of guilt if their sexual fantasies turn to something or someone other than their partner," says Castellanos. "But this is not only OK, it's normal. Sexual fantasies are similar to dreams — they are symbolic and have more to do with an underlying theme rather than the details of who or what is going on in the fantasy. You don't really have to read too much into it or try to analyze it — just let it build your arousal, which you are sharing with your partner anyway."
Fantasy is imaginary. Your brain is a very powerful organ. Watching porn, thinking about sex outside your relationship or any other form of alternative scenario is nothing to be worried about. Honestly, essentially everyone does this. Humans have rich fantasy lives.
4. How do I tell my partner about my changing libido now that I'm pregnant?
First, know you're not alone. During pregnancy you may experience an extraordinarily high libido, or find that it disappears entirely.
Communication is key during this tentative time in your sex life. "Let your [partner] know how you are feeling during the different changes of your pregnancy as [he or she] cannot read your mind," Cadell explains. "This is a great time to include sex toys for both of you to maintain passion and playfulness. It's also a great time to enhance intimacy through kissing, synchronized breathing and caressing."
Go with the flow. Pregnancy is a beautiful time in your life. Don't get stressed out about sex. Talk things through and find what works for you.