Asking your partner to change or alter their sex routine is a bit of a daunting task. You want to have sexual pleasure and excitement. Nay! You know you have the right to that pleasure and excitement! But you still falter in making your wishes known most of the time. I mean, we get it. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings. You love your partner.
"Women, not wanting to upset their partners or make them feel bad, will often censor their own thoughts, fantasies, or desires," says Madeleine Castellanos, M.D, sex therapist and author of Wanting to Want: What Kills Your Sex Life and How to Keep It Alive. "They often fall under the shackles of thinking that what they desire is too much — that perhaps their desires will be seen as too demanding, too selfish."
It's time to shake it off T-Swift style. By shaking free of your self-doubt and asking for what you want, Castellanos explains, women can "explore new sensations and ideas, and stave off becoming too bored with a sexual routine." If that sounds good, here's how to ask your partner to try something new in bed. We've got the simple, complete guide to overcoming sexual apprehension.
Write down and share a fantasy together
Take some time together to discuss or write down a few fantasies or sex moves you've always wanted to try. For inspiration, you can turn to erotic materials such as erotic books or porn. Be sure to be clear that this has nothing to do with your overall sexual satisfaction, but that you want to try something new.
Most people are going to be receptive to the idea of experimenting if you bring it up in a positive way. If viewing erotic material is "too much" for you, try telling your partner in detail about a sexual fantasy you've had where they were the starring attraction.
Start with something small and move from there
There is no need to buy $200 worth of bondage gear and spiked heels to do a little BDSM play. If you're interested in experimenting with restraint, start by holding your partner heads above their head. See if this is something you both enjoy. When you're trying to get your partner to let go and be adventurous, you have to proceed with caution. People are little peevish when it comes to sex and aren't always gung-ho about throwing caution to the wind.
No matter what it is you want to try, start small. "You can begin by just introducing something out of the ordinary, such as a different sexual position. That will open the door to you bringing up adding other novel ideas, such as using sexual toys and other accessories, role playing, or using a blindfold, to your sexual repertoire." says Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist and sex therapist in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Your brain will figure it out
You'll be surprised how receptive someone can be. Remember that "your brain is designed to be an efficient learning machine that quickly becomes acclimated to ideas, sensations, and routines," Castellanos says. If you build up to bigger, more exiting things - you'll get comfortable with them.
By exploring a new move or an idea in fantasy, you increase the dopamine jolt that you get with your partner," she explains. And that's good for both of you. Even if it is a little intimidating.