Welcome to Ask Anka, a weekly column in which sex therapist Anka Radakovich dives deep into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a DM (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) on Instagram @Brides
How do I last longer [during sex] as a woman? [My partner] always takes longer, and once I've climaxed, I feel bad if I continue.
Good sex is about timing. Often, while one person is trying to have an orgasm, the other person is trying not to. While very few studies have been done on this subject, one study conducted in Portugal in 2011 (surveying 510 women aged 18 to 45) found that 40 percent of women had a “premature orgasm” “every once in a while,” 14 percent had them “frequently,” and 3 percent had them “all the time.” So your problem is more common than you'd expect. And much like men who ejaculate too quickly, there are several things women can also do to adjust the timing of the big O.
This advice applies to both men and women who are early finishers. Slowing down the stimulation and building up the sexual tension will result in a stronger, bigger orgasm every time. In your case, (as opposed to someone who has a difficult time reaching an orgasm) foreplay should consist of massaging, rubbing, and stroking other parts of your body before you even let him touch your clitoris. Make it fun and build up the excitement. Have him rub around your vagina instead of rubbing directly on top of it. (For women who have the opposite problem, it’s all about firmly rubbing the clitoris.)
Practice on Your Own Self
The best way to figure out what your arousal patterns are is to masturbate. This way you can get a sense of how long it takes you to get aroused, and how long it takes to climax. Also note what strokes arouse you the most and the least. Masturbation makes you more sexually aware of what you like and don’t like, and also makes you more sexually confident. One reason you might come too fast with your partner is that you are too worried and nervous about coming too fast. There is no pressure when it's just you and your hand. Diddling with your hoo ha makes sex better when you’re having sex with someone other than yourself.
Take a Vacay From Your Vibe
If your clitoris is supersensitive, take a break from using your vibrator. People like vibrators because they work really fast! But in your case, they might work too fast. Get used to stimulation using his fingers or yours to slowly build up your arousal without using any vibes, which can often work like instant orgasm machines.
Try Some Tantra
Take some tips from the world of Tantra and breathe deeply while you are stimulating yourself or being stimulated by someone else. This will relax you as you breathe into an orgasm, giving you more control over it.
Edging consists of starting and stopping your sexual arousal. When you feel like you are approaching an orgasm, just stop the stimulation for a few seconds and start over. If there is a sexual position that overstimulates you, stop doing that one and switch to another. When you start over a couple of times and finally do finish, your orgasm will feel fuller and more satisfying. Tantric sex practitioners have been doing this one for centuries, so it’s a proven sex technique that works for men and women.
Do Him First
One reason you don’t want to continue with sex after you climax is because your clitoris is supersensitive right afterwards. Since climaxing is no problem for you, let him have an orgasm first. Since you have one faster than he does, he’ll just be happy he didn’t have to work very hard.
See more: 7 Ideas for Incredible Foreplay
Anka Radakovich is a couple’s counselor, certified sexologist, and sex therapist. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.