Welcome to Ask Anka, a weekly column where sex therapist Anka Radakovich dives into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex and relationships life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a DM (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) on Instagram @Brides.
Dear Anka, for Those [of Us] Who Wait Until Marriage to Have Sex, What's It Like? Do You Have to Learn Everything?
Like anything you haven’t done before, you have to learn how to do it. Now is a good time to practice. Sex is supposed to be fun, so don’t put pressure on yourself to go from virgin to a sex goddess in one night.
Bone Up on a Book
The best way to learn about sex is by reading about how it all goes down (and how to go down on someone). One of my most favorite “how-to” sex ed books is Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides. This fun-to-read book has been translated into 15 languages and has been updated for the past 20 years into several editions, so you know it's good. The author explains he “originally wrote this book for people who wanted to have better sex. But then it started to grow, grow, and grow” (pun intended). "But then it started being used in college sex-ed courses. So I tried to make the book your best ally when it comes to having really good sex.”
The book uses funny illustrations (like a vagina talking to a penis) to explain sexual positions, oral sex, and masturbation. Educate yourself, and you will be less worried and scared of what sex will be like (and while you’re at it, read it aloud to your partner for some sexy bedroom reading! The more you know about sex the better it will be).
Practice Creates Pleasure: Please Try This at Home
The best way to learn to receive pleasure is to pleasure yourself. Play with yourself so you can see what you like, and what arousal, sexual tension, and an orgasm feels like. Use your fingers to rhythmically stroke your clitoris. An orgasm is all about the clitoris. When you are with your partner, have him rub your “girl in the pink boat” using various strokes, including up and down and side-to-side, varying the pressure from a soft touch to using more pressure as you get all hot and bothered.
Not Going to Lie: The First Time Is Going to Hurt a Little Bit
The first time you have intercourse your partner’s penis will break your hymen, which is a thin membrane inside your vagina. You may have already broken it through using tampons, riding a horse or jumping on a motorcycle. It’s not a big deal, but you may bleed a bit the first few times you have intercourse—all the more reason to take it slow. Also, use lube; lube is your friend. It makes everything go more smoothly. Have your partner use their fingers to apply it, which will warm you up and get you lubricated. Then wait a couple of days for it to heal downtown before try again. You have the rest of your lives to get it right and give each other pleasure forever.
Anka Radakovich is a couple’s counselor, certified sexologist, and sex therapist. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.