Welcome to Ask Anka, a weekly column in which sex therapist Anka Radakovich dives deep into your most intimate issues with advice and tips to help you live your best sex life. Have a question for Anka? Drop us a DM (no fear, we'll keep it anonymous) on Instagram @Brides
When you've been with your significant other a long time, how do you keep the heat on the wedding night?
After an amazing wedding, it would be great to end the night with some equally amazing sex. But studies have shown that over 50 percent of couples (52 percent, to be exact) don’t have sex on their wedding night! (I personally know two brides who told me they fell asleep in their wedding dresses—one even passed out on top of her husband.)
No Pressure or Anything
First of all, don’t put any pressure on yourself to have spectacular wedding night sex. People make such a big deal thinking they need to have the best sex of their lives the night of the wedding. But why? With the pressure of the big event finished, take some time to hug and kiss your honey. Instead of going right to the sex, look into each other’s eyes and tell each other how lucky you are to have each other. After that, take a technique from yoga and Tantric sex and try some deep breathing: Inhale slowly and exhale slowly three times.
It’s easy and prepares you for some sexy times.
Do an Erotic Massage for Two
Next, an erotic massage is in order. Try to make it mutual, taking turns making each other feel worshipped. Start with your partner’s head, hair, and go down the shoulders and back. Use your fingers to climb down your partner’s spine until you put pressure on the back of your partner’s tailbone (which can often lead to an erection). The idea of an erotic massage is to feel relaxed as well as excited. Touching each other from head to toe lights up the pleasure centers of the brain and makes your mind feel alive while relaxing your body.
If it leads to some finger play, then even better.
A friend of mine, sexologist Dr. Ava Cadell, suggests that a “hands-free massage” could also make your wedding night “memorable.” She recommends beginning your hands-free massage “with your cool or warm breath around your partner's ears and down the spine, followed by using your hair. Then cover your body in massage oil and get on top of your partner using different parts of your body to massage them, such as your chin, elbows, breasts, and butt. Sensually, slide up and down in slow motion, then from side to side and in circular motions, finally using your sexual organs to massage your lover to a happy ending!” Who could forget that?
The point here is to try something different for fun, even if it seems crazy at first.
Try a new oral sex position. “I really hate BJs,” said no man ever. Have your partner sit on a comfy chair while you get on your knees. Or if your partner is (hopefully) pleasuring you, lie on the edge of the bed and have your partner sit on the floor. Or try going down on your partner while they are standing up. Making eye contact while you are giving or receiving can also make it super hot.
Try a Tantric sex position. The “Yaba Yum” position is steamy and surprisingly bonding at the same time. Have your partner sit cross-legged while you sit on their lap, wrapping your legs around their butt. Next, stare into each other's eyes to show each other some love. You can just sit there like that, or you can have sexy time in that very position. For more intimacy, run your fingers through each other's hair and kiss each other's necks. Insert while rocking back and forth. You can even try a “couple’s vibrator” to increase your chances of having an orgasm to toast the night, like this “Multi Fun” one from Satisfyer, and rock each other’s world.
And, hey, if the orgasm doesn't come (literally) you have the rest of your lives to get it right—that's the nice part of being married.
Anka Radakovich is a couple’s counselor, certified sexologist, and sex therapist. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.