Do you ever get into the heat of the moment with your partner, making out, hands all over the place, only to find your vagina is not on board with this plan?
You’re like: Wow. I am so turned on right now. Let’s do it! And when you get down there it’s like the Sahara Desert. No lubrication to be found. Your mind wants in, but your vulva wants nothing to do with you.
Likewise, on other occasions, you may be tittering about, not thinking about anything sexual at all and suddenly realize you need a napkin to wipe up your seat. Sound familiar? We’re going to guess it does.
This is called arousal non-concordance and it is the sex issue you’ve probably never heard of, but have definitely experienced. There is very little data on this issue, but according to the World Association of Sex Coaches, it affects a ton of women.
What exactly is arousal non-concordance?
Arousal non-concordance occurs when the mind is feeling frisky AF, but the body does not respond accordingly. Meaning, your brain is DTF, but your vagina has little to no lubrication. It can be pretty frustrating.
You’re down to clown, but your vulva isn’t having it. Your brain and your body aren’t communicating properly.
In other cases, your clitoris may be highly sensitive and/or your vagina may get wet when you’re not feeling erotically inclined whatsoever.
The mysteries abound, amirite? This doesn’t play well into our cultural narrative. We’re told that if we’re turned on, our bodies should be turned on and vice versa. This lack of understanding and information can cause some serious anxiety.
The reasons for this non-concurrence are complex and may vary from woman to woman. While we can’t pinpoint an exact cause, a big factor is lack of attention paid to either your mind or body. You’re not damaged and there is nothing wrong with your brain and/or vagina.
If your body is turned on, but now is not the time for sexual play and/or you’re not feeling it—don’t have sex. You don’t have to get it on or masturbate just because your vulva says, “It’s go time!” You do whatever you feel comfortable doing.
But, if you’re in the thick of things with your boo and are trying to get your body on the same level as your mind you can try a few tricks.
Lots and lots of foreplay
Getting the vulva on-board with penetration, or any other form of sexual activity, means getting it revved up and properly lubricated. This can only happen with proper foreplay. Focus on the clitoris with a tongue, hands, or toy. Take things slowly. Start by lightly teasing the labia. Blow gently on the clitoris before moving in for direct stimulation.
Tell your partner what feels good and doesn't, and always be open and honest. Sex should be fun, after all!
Don’t jump into intercourse until your body and mind are on the same level (or close to the same level). The last thing you want to do is attempt penetration when your body isn’t ready for it. This can lead to tearing, bleeding, and possible pain.
No one has an orgasm when they’ve allowed something into their vulva only to realize a few minutes later that they’ve made a terrible mistake.
Use a ton of lube
Always, always, always use lots of lube. The wetter the better. No matter how wet your vagina gets by itself, you should still incorporate lube. It makes everything better. Lube helps remove friction, allows for greater sensitivity, and helps make up the slack when your vulva is not keeping up with your brain.
We recommend a water-based lubricant such as Sustain Natural, Unbound Jelly, or Good Clean Love.
Relax. Breathe deeply and take the time to appreciate and feel everything happening to your well-lubed body.
Remember, if you can’t get your vulva into the action and things start to feel awkward, uncomfortable, or painful—it’s OK to stop what you’re doing. You don’t have to keep going just to please your partner. If he or she is the understanding and kind human we hope they are, they’ll understand.
You can always try again later!