It's our personal belief that very few people (no matter which generation to which they belong) would say that dating is an easy feat. However, dating in the Digital Age feels especially challenging: Dating apps make it that much harder to hold anyone's attention (because everyone's talking to a slew of other romantic interests) and that much easier to ghost someone. That said, once we find our match, we'll happily agree with John Lennon's point: "All you need is love."
But how you give and receive it is greatly influenced and shaped by one or two critical people in your life: your parents. In fact, Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D., told us that our first experience with this emotion is with our parents, and those early years set the bar for how we see, give, and receive love, and what we want out of relationships later in our lives.
Meet the Expert
Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and co-owner of Bergen Counseling Center in Chicago.
"I do believe that how emotionally available our parents were influenced the type of attachment we formed with them," she explains. "Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and in turn, how we are in relationships."
Ahead, Dr. Bergen explains how our childhood experiences with our parents provide a model for our adult relationships, what we can do to break a negative cycle, and how we can raise the next generation.
How Do Childhood Experiences Influence Adult Relationships?
Dr. Bergen says, "I am going to focus on how our romantic relationships are influenced by our childhood experiences: Our parents' relationship is our first and most influential example of how to interact and communicate in a romantic relationship. How love was shown between parents is influential on the child." That makes sense because, when you think about it, your parents are your only example of pretty much everything. When you're really young, you probably just accept the way that they do things to be right—even if it's not.
For instance, if your parents were not very affectionate and hardly ever hugged or kissed you, you may have an aversion to affection as an adult. Dr. Bergen continues, "Children will model and emulate the ways their parents show love to one another. Plus, how love was expressed to the child is also significant."
On a slightly different note, Dr. Bergen suggests that the ways in which anger and conflict were managed in your family of origin also play a large factor in how we communicate with adult romantic partners. "Whether or not a person tends to express their emotions more openly or tends to skew toward passive aggression, frequently parallels how their parents communicated with each other and with the child," she adds.
Does One Parent Impact This Experience More Than Another?
"I believe they affect us in different ways. Same-sex parents serve as models for our behavior, and opposite sex parents are projected into potential partners. This also works in reverse, in the sense that we may search for the opposite of a father who was stoic and uninvolved," Dr. Bergen notes.
Another example, a person may be hyper-vigilant to criticism and frequently argue with partners because their same-sex parent had difficulty advocating for themselves and became a "doormat" in the relationship. We tend to want to emulate our parent's relationship when it is perceived as healthy and positive.
How Can We Enhance Our Children's Relationships?
Is anyone surprised that there are entire sections of bookstores dedicated to this topic? All parents want is for their children to be happy now and in the future, so it makes sense that we want to raise them in the best way possible to set them up to enjoy a loving adulthood. Dr. Bergen offers three pieces of crucial advice on the subject.
First and foremost, "Be a model for who you want them to be in the way you express love, anger, hurt, joy, etc., both toward them but also toward your partner," Dr. Bergen instructs. This may sound a bit vague, but that's intentional. At the end of the day, there's no one-size-fits-all piece of advice that all parents should follow because every parent (and child) is different.
The second lesson: "Teach them how to express their feelings starting early." She encourages children to use their words rather than their behaviors to express how they are feeling. One sure-fire way to do this is to read children's books that teach young minds how to express feelings and setting boundaries. Speaking of which, Dr. Bergen encourages teaching your little ones to set boundaries in their relationships early on. Doing so can help them show empathy for others and know when and how to let someone know they have hurt their feelings and request that they not do the hurtful behavior again.
Lastly, Dr. Bergen says that showing them unconditional love with boundaries for behavior is key. She adds, "Love your children unconditionally and express love to them in multiple ways. Help them understand acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and that certain behaviors have positive or negative consequences. However, whatever behaviors they exhibit, they are still loved, and there is always an opportunity for growth in the mistakes they make. Teach them about learning from their mistakes and growing.
How Do We Break Bad Habits From Childhood?
Most psychologists would agree that any personal change starts with self-awareness. Dr. Bergen advises, "Start to identify where patterns of communication, thoughts, and feelings originate. Reflect on your childhood and try to remember the patterns you had in interacting with your parents."
Questions she suggests asking yourself include: Whose voice is that? Your adult voice of what you think and believe, or does it come from somewhere or someone else? "If your parents are still living, you can also start to notice how you interact with your parents now, and then see how those patterns may be playing out in your romantic relationships," she notes.
What are Functional Bonding and Secure Attachment?
A big believer in science, Dr. Bergen says, "Groundbreaking research during the 1960s and 1970s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth assisted in our understanding of attachment theory. Since their work, many psychological researchers have examined the different ways secure, and various forms of insecure attachments with our parents affect our attachment styles as adults." For instance, if parents showed love, responded to our needs, and validated our feelings, we were more likely to develop a secure attachment style. We then seek out and desire that same attachment style as an adult.
On the flip side, if we had an insecure attachment develop with our parents, we may have a fragmented sense of self. This may lead to low self-esteem, anxiety in relationships, doubt that we can trust others, and sometimes being more apt to seek out relationships that mimic this same attachment—not because it feels good but because it is familiar to us.
How Can We Break the Cycle of Negative Family Culture From Childhood?
Dr. Bergen offers four pieces of advice: reading, journaling, looking at your current relationship from a different perspective, and giving therapy a try. She offers, "Read books by psychological researcher and clinician John Gottman to learn about the different patterns that lead to positive relationship outcomes and those that lead to negative relationship outcomes." One key thing to remember is to learn about healthy ways to manage conflict and better ways to connect with your partner emotionally. No one likes fighting, but you may dread it less if you can argue more constructively.
Regarding journaling, Dr. Bergen advises, "Journal and increase your self-awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in your relationship. Compare what you are noticing with the ways your parents interacted with you and interacted with each other." If you notice that something was missing in your relationship with your parents, reflect on whether or not you are seeking to find it in your current relationship.
Third, "Work on trying out new ways of being in your current relationship. Dr. Gottman outlines specific behaviors you can work on in your relationships such as asking more in-depth questions, turning toward your partner when she makes attempts to connect with you, and expressing yourself assertively when you feel hurt," Dr. Bergen says. After all, trying new things is never a bad idea—especially if you've been together for a while.
Last but not least: "If you continue to find it difficult to break these patterns, therapy may be necessary," she adds. A trained therapist can help you identify these patterns and explore the roadblocks to implementing new, positive ones.