How to Recognize Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Your Spouse

Withholding or Withdrawing

A common negative behavior a passive-aggressive partner might display is withholding communication or intimacy, or withdrawing emotionally, which can include the silent treatment. "Withholding communication is another form of expressing anger and asserting power passively," writes licensed marriage and family therapist, Darlene Lancer, JD, for Psychology Today.

Using Sarcasm or Back-Handed Compliments

A sarcastic response to a request from a partner could be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior. Your partner might say, "Yes, of course, anything for you sweetheart," when asked to take out the trash, when they really mean, "Nope, all you ever do is order me around." A back-handed compliment (or an insult couched in a compliment) might sound like, "I'm surprised you took out the trash without me asking you to," or "You look so put together when you put the effort in."

"Forgetting" to Do Something or Procrastinating

"Surprising signs of passive-aggressive behavior can include things like procrastination (e.g. putting off that email to your boss they're expecting; waiting until the last minute to submit something) and a behavior I like to call 'convenient forgetting,'" Dr. McDonald says. This might look like standing up your significant other on a date and then sending a last-minute excuse about why you didn't show, Dr. McDonald explains. "It's plausible enough to believe, but for the passive-aggressive person, it's their ticket to controlling that environment." 

Saying or Pretending a Situation Is "Fine" When It Really Isn't

Another indication of passive-aggressive behavior happens when you or your partner insist everything is fine when it really isn't. Sometimes, this behavior is attached to the expectation that our partner read our mind, or intuit that we're upset rather than plainly stating so.

"Our partners are not mind readers, and when we become upset by their lack of mind-reading abilities and engage in the silent treatment or become combative, we essentially begin a spiral in which we fight about fighting—and not about the issue that ultimately caused us to feel upset, depressed, or hurt," writes Sean M. Horan, PhD, a faculty member at Fairfield University who researches communication in dating relationships, for Psychology Today.

Doing Things Inefficiently or Incompletely

Leaving tasks or commitments incomplete, or going about them inefficiently, such as waiting weeks to schedule important appointments or leaving the dishwasher half-emptied is another sign of passive aggression. This is a form of retaliation and expression of contempt and is not a productive way to get one's needs met.