36 Funny Wedding Toasts That'll Get the Whole Room Laughing

So you’ve been asked to give a wedding toast. First off: Congrats! It’s clear that you mean a great deal to the marrying couple, and that they trust you to speak on their behalf in front of everyone that has ever been important to them. No pressure or anything! 

The most important thing to know about wedding speeches is that the best ones are both heartfelt and humorous—and, most importantly, well under five minutes. While you’ll want to dive deep into your own memories of and feelings about the couple for the heartfelt bits, zingers don’t necessarily come naturally to all of us. To help you out in the laughs department, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite funny wedding toasts and marriage quotes below. Feel free to borrow with abandon and mix them up as needed—whatever it takes to make your speech really shine! 

Funny Wedding Toast Ideas 

These one-liners and well-wishes are sure to garner some chuckles.

• "What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!"
• "May your children be blessed with rich parents." 
• "Here's to you and here's to me,
  I hope we never disagree,
  But if, perchance, we ever do,
  Then here's to me, and to hell with you."
• "Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor, and a short memory."
• "May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom." 
• "Remember: In life, there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox—duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck."
• "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
• "May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!"
• "We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall."
• "As Bill and Ted once said: 'Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.'"
• "Saying 'I do' at your wedding is like clicking the 'I accept' box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!"
• "Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers!"
• "Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you—do you have any idea how rare that is?"
• "May the most you wish for be the least you get." 
• "May your household multiply, and may your hearts never be divided."

Funny Quotes for Your Wedding Toast 

Use these humorous bits to offer the newlyweds wisdom and advice with a wink in your toast.

• "The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg 
• "We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss 
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
• "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
• "Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason 
• "A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it." — Unknown
• "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles Schulz
• "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." — Henry Kissinger
• "To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash
• "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
• "If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married." — Unknown
• "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." — Unknown
• "If at first you don’t succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you." — Unknown 
• "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally 
• "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
• "The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with." — Mac MacGuff in Juno 
• "You’ll know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you 'that thingy' over there and they know exactly what you mean.” — @sixfootcandy on Twitter
• "Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there." — George Burns
• "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person." — Mignon McLaughlin
• "If your husband tells you you're being too dramatic, don't forget to bow when you thank him." — @3sunzzz on Twitter
• "Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to Ikea on a Saturday with an empty stomach is not." — @maryfairybobrry on Twitter