Five Things I Don't Get About Weddings

Continued (page 2 of 2)

3. THE GARTER THING

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable at a wedding than the garter toss. Really, I get a little sweaty just thinking about it. There's just something so wrong about watching your little girl, or your sister, or worse—your mother—sitting in a chair while her new husband sticks his head under her dress and takes her garter off with his teeth. NO, NO, NO.

Now, I realize that the purpose of this tradition is to see which of the single men in attendance will catch the garter and be the next to marry. But the subtext here is that the groom is seeing his new wife's undergarments for the first time, and damn it, now you're picturing them having sex. Yes, you are, you know you are. And everyone is encouraging him, and he's making faces like; Look what I get later! And you're cheering like a bunch of idiots simply because it hasn't occurred to you exactly what you're cheering for—you're just drunk and they're playing "Disco Inferno," and that's good enough for you.

What makes this even weirder for me is the whole pantomime aspect. Chances are, the couple are already living together and have been having sex for quite some time. So all the winking and backslapping about The Big Night just adds another layer of "surreal" to the proceedings.

And if by some chance the bride actually is a virgin, well, God bless her. It will be hard to get the image of Grandma cheering out of her head when her husband takes off the other garter later on.

4. SHOVING CAKE IN EACH OTHER'S FACES

On a day when I've probably spent more time and money on makeup than any other day in my life, I would not welcome having cake smashed into my face. I can only imagine how happy I'd be after I wiped the frosting off and everyone saw my fish-white skin underneath. It would be like a scene from V, only not as funny.

I don't really understand why people think this is a cute thing to do. It seems very passive-aggressive—and I've actually seen it get out of hand a few times. Everyone is in such a heightened emotional state that playing pretend food fight seems very dangerous to me.

Personally, I think everyone should just put on protective gear, go outside, and have a paintball fight. That way you can be on the same team as your husband, and you can both pelt the hell out of your mother-in-law.

5. THE WHITE DRESS

Come on.



April Winchell has been a talk radio host, a sitcom writer, an advertising executive and the voice of hundreds of animated Disney characters. In October of 2009, she created the hit website Regretsy.com, which led to the publication of "Regretsy: Where DIY meets WTF" in April of 2010. Even though she has been writing professionally since 1989, she still finds talking about herself in the third person really uncomfortable.

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