Five Things I Don't Get About Weddings

I like marriage. I like the idea of people gathering and sharing their love with friends and family. I'm just not crazy about weddings. If I wanted to stand around all day in uncomfortable clothes and tell people where to sit, I'd work for Delta.

Oh, I had a wedding years ago, but it wasn't exactly fairy-tale material. The whole thing probably cost $300 and had all the magic of an afternoon at the DMV. But here I am, many years later, engaged and contemplating it all over again. And I still don't get it.

There are so many things people do as part of their celebration that I simply don't understand. Why does the groom need a cake? The bride doesn't get a separate cake. If he's going to get a cake, I think everyone should get one. And why do we give people an opportunity to object? Why the hell did you come if you're just going to make trouble? Put my liquor down and get out. And what's with the "something borrowed, something blue" business? Why, because it rhymes? How about "something salty, something sweet, something sticky on your feet"? That rhymes, why don't we do that?

Of course, some things are more mystifying than others—here are my top five.

1. "ART" PHOTOGRAPHY

There you are, the two of you, floating in a wine glass for no discernible reason, or superimposed on a sunset, like a David Cassidy album. Why do people want pictures like this? It's just so dated and schlocky. I know what my ring looks like; do I really need a close-up of it floating over wet roses? Whenever I see a picture like this, I always imagine it shellacked and hanging over a water bed, next to a copy of "Desiderata."

I also really hate those artsy black and white shots with just one thing in color (like a boutonniere). I mean, is there anyone who can't do this at this point? Hell, my phone can do this. But wedding photographers really enjoy throwing in shots like these, and I have to believe it's because they're so bored they'll do anything to amuse themselves.

My friend's photographer did both of these—unasked—and handed in some winners. My favorite shot is of the bride in the bathroom putting makeup on. Everything is black and white except a bright yellow container of Lysol Disinfecting Wipes on the countertop. MEMORIES THAT LAST A LIFETIME.

2. BITCH-WIFE CAKE TOPPERS

Cake toppers are meant to be a representation of the bride and groom. The tradition of putting figures on top of cakes dates back to the 1890s, and has long been a way to show the closeness a couple feels on their wedding day.

So why in God's name would anyone want a cake topper of a bride holding her husband on a leash? I don't know, but I've seen it. I've also seen a groom with a ball and chain, a bride dragging her husband by the hair, and one particularly charming one of a bride holding her betrothed at gunpoint in front of the minister. Cute!

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why anyone would think it was funny to portray the bride as a scheming, conniving, domineering, controlling bitch. It just plays into all those sad old stereotypes about men not actually wanting to be married, and feeling trapped and emasculated. This is not something you want for your wedding day. It's really more suited to your 10th anniversary.

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April Winchell
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