Being completely open and honest in a romantic relationship isn’t always the easiest thing to do.
You may know each other’s favorite ice cream. You may share a joint bank account. You may have even evoked the spousal immunity privilege at one time in your lives (OK, that was a stretch). But you’d be surprised how little most couples know about each other’s fantasies when it comes to sex.
Don’t worry. You are in the overwhelming majority. Even in long-term monogamous relationships, we’ve been trained to keep our deepest sexual fantasies handcuffed to us like a briefcase filled with nuclear codes. We all have them — we all have the sexy daydreams or imagined scenarios that really get our motors running. However, there’s a big divide between our ability to have fantasies and our abilities to SHARE them. With ANYONE.
Admitting that you have a sexual fantasy can be scary, but the happiest long-term couples know how important it can be, and it can pay off BIG TIME.
So, how do those sexually confident couples do it? How do they strip away their anxieties, bridge that divide, and introduce their deepest, darkest fantasies into their everyday sex lives?
Here are four things that the happiest, healthiest, most sexually adventurous couples do to bring their sexual fantasies to life — four steps that allow them to bypass their fears of bedroom rejection and discover what truly uninhibited, monogamous sex can look like.
1. They introduce the idea.
You have to start somewhere. This doesn’t mean that you have to immediately tell your partner, “I want to be the naughty apple picker and you’re the strict farmhand.” It does mean that you have to find a way to let your partner know that you want to explore your sexual fantasies.
A great way to do this is to inform your partner that they’re an essential part of your fantasy. You can say things like “Hey, I had the sexiest dream about you the other day…” or “Sometimes when we’re having sex, I imagine you…”This lets them know from the start that you see them as a vital part of your sexual dream-life, which can be both flattering and intriguing.
2. They explore their fantasy options.
But what if you don’t know what you’re into yet? Or what if you want to find a sexually compatible fantasy that works for both of you?
It can be scary initiating this kind of discussion. Fortunately, there are some smart ways to make the process easier.
If you don’t know where to begin, you should definitely try out a subscription service like The Fantasy Box, which provides monthly sexual fantasies for couples.
The Fantasy Box doesn't just provide a grab-bag of toys and costumes. In addition to a selection of sexy gear, each one comes with a set of what they call “role cards" — not instructions, as much as a script that sets the scene, hands out some simple responsibilities for both players, and most importantly, puts both of them on the same page going into the adventure, eliminating all anxiety. (They have exciting holiday-themed boxes too!)
You get a card, your partner gets a card, and the instructions help choreograph your movements, allowing you to initiate the fantasy and walkthrough it step-by-step. The Fantasy Box allows you to jump out of your comfort zone and explore new fantasies without having to make everything up one your own or feel self-conscious about being the “creator” of the fantasy in question.
Just don’t put all the pressure on yourself to come up with the perfect fantasy. Take advantage of the resources out there that can help.
3. They allow themselves to laugh.
This step is so important. Revealing your sexual fantasies can make you feel extremely vulnerable, and what’s one of the most common responses when we feel nervous or unsure of ourselves? We LAUGH.
If you’re acting out a fantasy with a partner, you have to recognize that you’re occasionally going to break character, screw something up, or, yes, even giggle. But this kind of laughter isn’t derisive — it’s a sign that you’re actually having fun.
There’s nothing wrong with taking your sexual fantasy seriously, but you don’t want to take it too seriously. Remember to enjoy yourself first and foremost.
4. They learn and adapt.
Communication might be the key to developing an active and fulfilling sex life, but it shouldn’t end once you say “I want to try something different in the bedroom.”
When you’re exploring sexual fantasies, it’s a smart idea to keep up an ongoing conversation about what’s working and what’s not. Because you might finally try that shower fantasy you’ve dreamt about since college, only to realize that there are certain aspects you LOVED and others you didn’t. That doesn’t mean that you failed, it just means you’re learning.
This is another reason why services like The Fantasy Box can really help couples assess what they’re looking for in a sexual fantasy. For example, if you’ve always dreamed about incorporating toys or costumes into your dream scenarios, these services provide you with instructions that allow you to confidently use those props in the best ways possible (and without having to sit there wondering “What am I supposed to do with this?”).
That way, you and your partner can actually ask yourselves critically “Are we a couple who likes using toys? Or tying each other up? Or wearing lederhosen?” and not have to worry that you didn’t know what you were doing in the moment.
It’s an iterative process. You try new things. Some will work, some won’t, and some will REALLY work and you won’t ever be able to imagine your sex life without them.
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Just try to keep the lines of communication open while you’re testing out new fantasies. Everyone is unique, so don’t be afraid to mix and match, alter, change, and customize your experience to discover what works best for you, both individually and as a couple.
Adventurous couples find ways to share their sexual fantasies with each other.
If that idea makes you nervous, learn from our four key pieces of advice and take your intimacy with your partner to the next level.