Moans, groans, and even a little dirty talk — you've got what to whisper between the sheets down pat. But do you know what to avoid when it comes to sexy talk? Here, our expert reveals five things you should never say during sex.
1. Someone else's name.
It's A-OK — and even healthy, according to our experts — to have a sexual fantasy or two. But when you're getting down with your spouse in real life, it's not OK to whisper the names of the stars of Magic Mike XXL or worse, like an ex-lover. "Nothing shakes someone's sexual self esteem like not being acknowledge for who you are," says Kat Van Kirk, certified sex therapist and author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life. And while sharing your fantasies with your partner is important, couples should "be sensitive to your partner about content that might hurt their feelings," Van Kirk says.
__2. What you've got to do — i.e., the laundry. __
Van Kirk advises that when it comes to dirty talk, it's best to avoid discussing the dirty dishes. "Avoid mundane discussions about the kids or honey-do lists," she says. "Your private, sexy time should be a sanctuary from all of that." Stick to the right script, she says, by staying present. "If you focus on the moment and sensations you are less likely to get distracted by other thoughts," Van Kirk explains. "Plus, the more present and positive you can keep your verbalizations the better it will be for you and your partner."
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3. Complaining about what isn't working.
Not all sex is of the explosive, fireworks variety. But, says Van Kirk, "there are other more positive ways to communicate your needs than pointing out what's not going well." If you focus on what doesn't feel good rather than what makes your toes curl n all the right ways, she warns, "what you say could really negatively affect your lover's confidence. So make sure you communicate to your partner what is working," Van Kirk says, and you'll soon see your partner giving you more of what works well.
__4. How your partner looks — in the negative. __
If your husband's abs or your wife's bust really get your engine revving, then feel free to shout it from the rooftops — or from your bedroom. But, says Van Kirk, "don't be critical of the way your lover looks. Saying such things can not only be a buzz-kill, but can be hurtful to your partner." So if your spouse is sporting a look you don't dig, focus on what you do love about his or her looks. "Making occasional eye contact during sex can help you stay connected," says Van Kirk. "It also builds a sense of intimacy."
5. Heavy relationship issues.
Neither regular ol' Wednesday sex nor makeup sex is the time to bring up your bickering or when you'll finally buy that first home, Van Kirk says. "Allow the time to be sacred," she encourages. Rather than bring up your issues in the moment, Van Kirk says, "post-coital discussions during cuddle time are more appropriate."