It's time to ditch the myth that scheduled sex comes in a solid second-place to spontaneous acts of passion. "Get rid of the idea that there is something wrong with you or your relationship because you are not all over each other every minute," says Rachel Needle, Psy.D, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist based in West Palm Beach, Florida. "The truth is you have to put in time and energy and make a conscious effort to sustain your relationship and passion."
Here's how to direct that time and energy to make your scheduled sex super hot.
Build anticipation and excitement throughout the day.
In the same way that you look forward to date night or drinks out with the girls, you can anticipate scheduled sex with excitement. "Send your partner sexy messages, hints, and maybe even faceless photos throughout the day to escalate your excitement," suggests Needle. "To further turn your partner on, you might even want to drop hints or describe what you want to do when you see each other later. Be fun and flirty, and get back in touch with your passionate and erotic side."
Learn to look forward to it.
"Although I am generally a proponent of becoming an opportunist when it comes to having sex regularly in a long-term relationship," admits licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, "scheduling sex has it's upside too. If you know you will be having sex every Wednesday night for example, you can begin to look forward to it and anticipate it. There are also some couples who simply thrive off of structure." Why? "If they haven't had sex the rest of the week, the couple knows they have their 'sex date' as a default, despite the rest of their week being crazy with responsibilities like kids, work and household chores," Van Kirk explains.
Use a blindfold.
Sex toys don't have to be kinky. Something as simple as a silk tie can turn sex up a very hot notch. "Remember that all other senses are heightened when sight is deprived," points out Needle. "Without sight, your partner might feel vulnerable yet excited." If you're not sure how to introduce this move into your sexual repertoire, start by slipping a silk blindfold on your partner when he or she arrives home, Needle suggest. "Guide him or her to an unfamiliar location," she says, "and start seducing him or her there."
Switch up how you have sex.
Just because the day and time you get down may be predictable doesn't mean they way you work between the sheets has to be. "Avoid having the same sex each time," advises Van Kirk. "Keep it spontaneous by mixing up positions, talking dirty, wearing lingerie, or using sex toys. Plus, make sure who initiates sex is different on a regular basis too."
Schedule sex at a time when you will have energy.
Setting aside time when you know you will be exhausted, overwhelmed, or stressed won't lead to hot sex. First, Needle says, schedule sexy time for moments when you know you can be alone without distractions from work, friends, or children. Consider selecting a weekend, she says, "when you aren't exhausted from your work day and perhaps the children are at a sleepover so you can feel comfortable letting loose and being vocal."
Redefine what you count as sex.
Scheduling sex doesn't mean that time has to lead to only intercourse. "If you expand your definition of sex and allow for a whole spectrum of behaviors whenever the urge strikes you, things are much more likely to feel spontaneous," Van Kirk explains. "This means engaging in good, old-fashioned make out sessions, giving each one another massages while binge watching Netflix, or showering together before the kids get up."