Every week, we give our readers a glimpse inside the mindset of a guy's brain on weddings with the help of the hilarious and smart editors at The Plunge. For their latest installment, they share tips for groom's wedding thank you speech.
As the bride, everyone and their mother (and probably even your mother) expects you to do a superhuman amount of planning work, with the implicit tradeoff of not asking you to do a damn thing on your wedding day. So it's time to thank everyone who drove you insane for months, sit back, relax, and let your groom deal with it. For now, offer him these key pointers.
At the ultimate celebration of true love, your man better let everyone know how lucky he feels, rather than trying to look badass for his fraternity bros. Assuming you've picked the right one, this won't be too hard for him. However, a reminder to look you in the eye, address you by name, and play up the moment won't hurt.
You love that charming sense of humor of his, right? Now is the time for him to show it off to your friends and family with some classic, funny anecdotes about how you met, how you can bench more than him, or some other hilariously self-deprecating tale. Just remember, as much as you both loved Louis C.K.'s latest special, this is about being funny, not telling jokes.
Our apologies if this fine site has its own list of suggested quotes, but we highly recommend your man go with sincerity over a randomly chosen ancient proverb. Even if his true feelings come off clichéd, that's better than filling his speech with the same corny quotes everyone else uses.
Your parents deserve major thanks whether or not they broke the bank. Make sure he thanks his parents, too, as well as those who traveled from afar to eat your cake and drink your beer.
Giving thanks is one thing, but acknowledging everyone from the caterer to your photographer friend to the good lord who brought you together is the quickest way to lose an audience and get hit with the "wrap it up" music.
He'll tell you he's got it ready in his head, but he'll be happy he practiced when he's able to confidently deliver in the moment. If he continues to refuse to practice, remind him of all the hours he spent improving his Call of Duty ranking and ask if the biggest day of his life warrants that same dedication.
See? Isn't this one easier to read?
In the end, your groom just needs an intro (welcoming the guests), a boatload of thank yous, some humorous anecdotes, and a romantic closer. That's it. No need to reinvent the wheel.
Only in the most desperate situation — if your guy truly has no earthly idea where to start — would we advise you to have him find a canned speech online. There are actually websites that sell "conventional groom toasts." For $16, you fill in the blanks and they'll spit out a stock speech with the names preloaded. One such excerpt (with our fill-in-the-blank choices underlined):
*"Rachel — in case anyone hadn't noticed — is the perfect wife, and I'm lucky she said, "Yes." I'm lucky to have someone who can
tolerate my hairy back
. And I'm lucky to have someone so
fun to be with
. Someone once wrote that a good marriage is 80% good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust. On that basis I'd say we're 100% ready for this."*
On second thought, sincerity is better than Mad Libs. When in doubt, help him write something good, then clam up and raise your glass to his awesome toast. Your work is finally done.