Owner of Weddings in Vieques, a destination-wedding planning company off the coast of Puerto Rico, Sandy Malone has helped countless couples plan their big day since 2007. Here, she shares four of the worst toasts she's ever heard at weddings.
I am a huge advocate of reminding your friends and family that they are "toasting" at your wedding, not making speeches. There's nothing worse than, as a wedding guest, being stuck in your seat for an hour listening to people you don't know recite the bride and groom's resumes and every achievement since kindergarten. It's a snore.
That said, boring is better than mean — and that's what happens when drunk guests start to "roast" the happy couple instead of toast them. And that happens far too often. Here are four examples of the worst toasts I've heard at almost 500 weddings:
1. The mother of the bride toasted for 22 minutes, listing every famous person she had ever introduced her daughter to in her entire life.
2. The 11-year-old daughter of the bride and groom got up to toast, and began to cry. "Thank you so much for getting married, I never believed it would actually happen," she sobbed. We couldn't tell if she was crying tears or joy or sadness — it was a twisted moment.
3. The best man was too drunk to toast, but that didn't stop him from getting up with his pages to read, and mumbling through all of them — for more than 10 minutes. Then he slumped back down in his chair and began to loudly snore through the rest of the speeches.
4. Everyone believed the bride and groom had met on a blind date, until the brother of the bride gave a toast — as a really good rap — and busted them for having met online. This was a few years ago, before it was so common, and the bride was mortified. The groom wasn't too pleased. All of the guests found it absolutely hilarious and teased them through the entire wedding reception. I felt sorry for my clients. That wasn't a nice thing to do at all.
The lesson to be learned: Choose wisely when asking someone to make a toast at your wedding. Be clear about your expectations — both time and content. It may seem demanding but it's worth it.