My son is getting married in less than two months and I am not sure what to do. My son was dating this "girl" secretly for about two years because of her culture. He was a secret to her family but she was not a secret to our family. I did not know the secret part when I first met her at family events that I planned and that she was invited to and did attend. After I found out that not only was she not supposed to date my son because of his race and her religion AND that she needed a chaperone to even be around him, I told both of them that I would not be a party to their lies and strongly encouraged them to "do the right thing" and not sneak around, lying to her family about her whereabouts. That was vehemently shot down. My son has been jumping through hoops for this "girl" including changing his religion to Muslim AND changing his last name to a Muslim last name, which brings me to my reality check.
I did my best to support my son throughout this whole affair even after this "girl" was extremely disrespectful to me in my own home, which she is not welcome in since she can't seem to show me some respect. I have been putting out fires with my family because we have not seen him or heard from him since he started seriously dating this "girl". However, he has been fully immersed in her family; even spending the night and having family dinners with them on many nights (something that he now does not do with us).
There was an engagement party that was supposed to bring both families together but this party was not multi-cultural; it was all one culture theirs and my family and I felt like "outsiders".
When he mentioned he was going to change his last name, I didn't like the idea but he explained that he and his fiance would be taking on a new Muslim last name; starting their own "line" if you would. That made it easier to swallow. However, when we received the wedding invitation announced the fiance's first and last name wedding my son's first name and "new" last name, I cried. My family is very upset and some are truly debating whether or not they even want to go.
I myself even toy with the idea of not going but I think about my son, my relationship with him and the fact that I do want to support him, I am torn...but I cry. I am not happy about this wedding at all.
I have told my son I understand that this wedding has nothing to do with me; it's his life, his wedding and his happiness that counts. He has changed (and not for the better) and it is clear to many that he is not happy either.
This girl has orchestrated every aspect of this engagement and wedding event down to picking her own ring. I have not and cannot contribute financially to this wedding; my son and this "girl" are working hard to pay for everything.
I am wondering if I should have a frank talk with the fiance's parents about my true feelings about this whole affair
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Is it possible your son is being drawn into a life style he doesn't really want? Perhaps he feels he has gone too far to back out now, which could create many problems for him later. Do you have a minister or someone you can talk with who can provide greater perspective? I wouldn't talk with the girl's parents at this point. That could create more issues. You want to keep the door open so that if your son needs you, he will feel free to seek help or guidance.