So my very best friend is getting married and she has asked me to be the MOH. Of course the first thing I said was yes, I mean we have been planning our weddings together since we we're little. I guess you could say I didn't stop and think before I gave my answer.
The problem is, I dislike my BFF's Groom, like alot. Since she has been with him she has changed completely..in high school she used to be the fun bubbly one! But ever since she met her Fiance she has been on a very dark path, she's been in trouble with the law, had her license revoked..and she doesn't take anything seriously, especially her finances!!
I've tried to stick by her the best I can because true friends don't leave just because things get ugly. I've tried to talk to her about the pattern I see and how her Fiance is NO good for her, but she refuses to listen, and in return will sometimes even attack me saying I am just jealous.
It is true that I do miss her, I miss all the fun times we used to have as single girls, I miss our sleep overs, and all our silly little parties..but I don't understand how she thinks I could be jealous of a relationship that has done nothing but get her arrested, one where she cries herself to sleep every other night because their lights are about to get shut off or because they got into another nasty fight again.
I know I am sad for her that she does not have the strength to leave a mentally abusive relatiobship or even recgonize that she is in one. She has even admitted to me that her fiance does not like me much because he is jealous of the relationship her and I have..which is getting close to being non-exsistent thanks to him!
Not to mention once she told me that she doesn't even really love him and that she would leave him but she can't since she depends on him finance wise..I've never been able to get her to talk about this again, she becomes almost hostile whenever I try to bring it up..it still confuses me to this day.
Well now they have come into a better financial situation recently so the wedding will be next summer..now after reading all of that, is it still right for me to continue to be her MOH, how can I stand by her side as she is reading her vows when I don't support her union in the first place..and I don't even wanna think about the speech that I would have to give at the reception!
I have always been told to stand for what I believe in, so I don't know how I can stand beside her on this one. It is pointless to try and tell her all of this because I have tried, and I know if I tell her that I no longer wish to be her MOH, she will see it as a sign of disloyalty and probably end our friendship. I am so torn!! Any advice would be well appreciated, Thank you!
There are no easy words to say, you're in a Catch-22. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship. Somehow she has fallen under the control of the fiance and nothing you say or do can shake that. Part of what an abuser does is isolate the victim from all their friends and family. They become emotionally and financially dependent on the abuser and see no way out. If the physical abuse has not started yet, it will.
If you love your BFF you've got to do one of the hardest things you've ever done -- be there as a safety net. Not only that, but you've got to realize your friend may actually end up abandoning you for some reason. You may not hear from her for months or perhaps years. This is part of the abusers attempt to isolate her. It will also be her way appeasing him. She will fear being hit more than the need to be in touch with you.
So what should you do? I'd stand up for my friend. Right now, the wedding is still about a year away. A lot can happen in that time. Use that time to talk to your friend. She knows you are worrying about her but that does not seem to be getting through to her. Does she want children? If so, if the fiance is abusing her, he will abuse the kids. Does she want that for her children? If she doesn't care about herself, she should care about her kids. If the dad abuses the kids, they will come to the attention of the State Protection agencies. If it is bad enough the kids will be taken from her and placed in foster care. Does she want that? Or worse, the death of one of her children?
Your friend needs professional help. You can let her know you are there for her. You can try calling the closest women's shelter and speak to the staff. Perhaps you can get your friend to the shelter to show her there is help available for if and when she decides to leave this relationship. Just remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
In the end, your friend is making her own choices. Be careful she does not drag you down or into a situation where you get hurt. If drugs are involved, you could be charged with a crime just for having them in your car. Your first responsibility is to yourself, your family and your life. Despite our best efforts, there will always be people beyond our help. Mourn the lose and move on.
I wish you all the best.
Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer